In these past few months that you have been gone, I have really started to wonder about life and why you left us so soon. You were beautiful, strong and although you may not have noticed, someone I looked up to. I was sitting on a bench at an ice cream parlor when I scrolled down and saw the very first post on Instagram that you were gone. At first, I was confused; my heart immediately dropped and I asked myself, “How could this possibly happen? A beautiful girl of only 19 years gone with just a snap of the finger?” As I drove home after struggling to get off that bench, I pulled over on the side of the road and I began to cry when I viewed the text that revealed how you really left us. For a second, I began to question why you would want to leave this big beautiful world so soon. You were so much of what I strived to be: gorgeous, loved, talented and bright in so many different ways. I strived to be a marvelous field hockey player like you and the other junior girls at the time. I truly with my heart, looked up to you. You demonstrated such strong skills on and off the field, so when I heard that the lord had taken you so quickly from us, I couldn’t help but ponder why.

After I spoke with a few of your close friends, I understood why you left: bullying. I thought over and over, wondering how people could be so mean and crushing to the point where someone contemplates their life and well-being. As I sat in my room and tears rolled down my face, I couldn’t help but think that was once me. Some people may not even remotely understand why you chose to end your suffering, but I do. In the couple of years I spent at private school with you, I was made fun of horribly by a couple of boys. This was not something that lasted a few days or weeks, it went on for continual months before I cracked.

Back then, I had extremely low confidence and hated almost everything about myself. It started from my looks and then went on to not feeling like I was good enough. I always thought, if these boys hated me so much that they found the need to make fun of me every day, maybe I wasn’t worth it like they said. I was beginning to think the world was may be a better place without me. The days went on and I seemed okay to others, but inside a piece of me was dying a little bit every day. Maybe you didn’t think that others could understand your inner pain and sadness, but I do. I understand it more than you will ever realize.

Beautiful soul, I wish you had reached out for help. Believe it or not, I awoke with the continual struggle of sadness many of my days that year, like others we may not know. I empathize with what it feels like for people to make fun of you and make you believe you are not good enough. It is not fair and it is wrong on so many levels. Those boys made me feel like an imperfect piece of garbage then, so I often carry feelings of perfectionism in my day to day life. I felt so gloomy then, that now I always wonder, what if I am not 100% smart or beautiful? What happens if I am not perfect? Will I be made fun of again, will I reach a low point and will that gray rainy cloud lay above me? The answer I decided to those questions is a giant no. Dear angel, although we were not best friends in high school, you were my teammate and someone who I always said hi to in the halls. In my times of struggling, your hellos always made my days a little brighter, deterring my head from the sad and sorrowful thoughts those boys made me feel. Had you maybe been aware that there were others out there struggling just like you at one point in their life or another, maybe, just maybe you would still be here with us.

Because perfectionism is often something I struggle with due to bullying in the past, I know ending my pain is never the answer. I wish you had never left us and that you had reached out and gotten the help that you rightfully deserved. Because believe it or not, there is a light at the end of the tunnel—the pain does eventually end. After months of suffering from the bullying of a couple immature high school boys, I reached out to my family and began to get the help I needed. Despite the fact that, perfectionism is still something I have to conquer throughout many days of my life, I know that with the loving help of my amazing friends and family, I can get through anything.

I just want to thank you, dear friend, for reminding me to always be strong and guiding me to help put a stop to bullying. It is not okay and it never will be. Bullying is real and can harm kids of any age in various ways. Although your quick departure should not have happened, and you should be prospering throughout your second year of college, I want to thank you for making me a stronger person. Your departure showed me never to accept bullying and always reach out and be kind to all people I meet, for you never know what another may be going through. Blessed friend in heaven, may you prosper at the hands of God and realize forever that you were loved here on Earth.

Your friend and teammate,

Brooke

For any readers out there who may be struggling, always know that life is so very precious and no one should be able to take that from you. Because no matter what, you are worth it. This is your life and never let it go.