Dear Past Self,
Wow. There are so many things I wish I would have known back then. My current self sometimes sits back and thinks about my past self and wonders why she allowed someone to break her spirit. But then, current me will look into the mirror and will beam from ear to ear. I am so proud of how far I have come, and it makes me excited to think about how far I am going to go. Although, current me also knows that where I am today would not be possible without past me.
Past me was a girl who was involved in school, had friends, and enjoyed life. Don’t get me wrong- I had some hardships and overcame some obstacles. But overall, I was happy. Going through high school, I loved spending time with my boyfriend and going to my music activities. But that all changed just months before my graduation.
My health was taking a huge toll on my overall being, and I felt myself breaking down. I tried everything in my power to fix it, but my body was like a boulder rolling off a mountainside - there was absolutely no stopping it. As my body started to shut down, so did my relationship. I was left to face things alone- prom, graduation, and my first ever surgery...on my neck. My bubbly and lively spirit slowly turned angry and bitter. Soon after graduation, I did not recognize myself.
I went through the surgery with my parents by my side, but that didn’t matter to me then. I wanted one person and one person only. It didn’t click in my head that he wasn’t coming back until I texted him the results from my surgery.
“I have cancer.”
“That sucks.”
It was from that point on where I stopped caring for myself all together. I didn’t eat, I never went outside, and I pretty much gave up hope for being happy again. I convinced myself that I was the problem and that I was the inconvenience and I was the reason he wasn’t happy anymore.
2 years later, I know that I was so wrong.
I didn’t understand why I was chosen to endure these painful things. I didn’t know why people stopped talking to me. But after some time, I understood everything. I realized that other people weren’t the problem- I was the problem. My outlook and actions were intolerable and people didn’t want to deal with it. I thought that things were going to solve themselves and all I had to do was stand on the sidelines and hope for the best. Going through a rough first semester of college, finding out what it is truly like to be on my own, and having an unhealthy mentality took its final toll on me. I knew I needed a change.
I moved back home, stuck my nose in a book, surrounded myself with people who inspired me, and started putting myself first. I became a happier person and started living with a more positive mentality. I knew that if I kept going down the road I was headed, I was not going to be successful, and only hurt myself more. I became more in touch with my goals and the process I was going to take to achieve them. I didn’t do it alone though. I met some great people through college and work, and I started to repair the relationships I broke. I started to become a person people could talk to, instead of someone who they avoided because they didn’t know what to say.
It wasn’t until I got my first exposure to a classroom as a teacher candidate where I found myself in a place where things were finally falling into place. I knew that teaching was my calling, and I vowed to myself that I was not going to let situations or people get in my way of achieving my goals. I accepted that I could not change some people’s minds or actions, and that became okay with me.
As I look back on my past, I don’t regret anything. I do not wish circumstances were different because I believe that I am who I am today because of these situations. I have a great boyfriend, wonderful friends, an amazing support system, and a crazy family that makes me realize how sane I am. I thank my lucky stars every day for the life and opportunities I am given each and every day. I would not be where I am today without these circumstances and people.
If I were to say something to my former self, it would be that just tomorrow is a new day, and another opportunity to better yourself. That philosophy never crossed my mind while I was lying in bed, feeling beyond defeated. I wish I could go back and use the positive aspects of my life to bring me out of my hole, but the only thing I can do now is power through and take advantage of each day I'm on earth.
