Dear Eating Disorder,
I've spent a lot of time hating myself because of you. I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me, but it was actually just you. You tried to choke the life out of me, but you did not succeed. You stole from me, you took my youth and you took years that I can't get back. You pushed away my friends and pushed away my family. You isolated me so all I had was you. You made me dependent on you, you convinced me that I had control and stability by using you, but little did I know that the only thing that was out of control was you.
I thought that maybe, by staying close to you, I wouldn’t be alone and scared with no way to cope with the black hole that was swallowing my soul. I feared you, but I didn’t know how to live without you. You made me fear the world around me. You spent years convincing me I wasn’t worth being seen in public, that I was too ugly to smile. You made me angry, and you made me lash out at people who didn’t deserve my wrath, just so you could make me even more ashamed of who I was. I was no longer human, and the light at the end of the tunnel was slowly closing and leaving me with no escape.
When you pushed me over the edge, I was finally ready to fight for my life. When we drove eight hours through the night to get into a treatment facility, I thought I was ready to fight you and thought I was prepared for the battle to come, but I had no idea about the misery I was about to face. The next four days in treatment, I thought you were going to kill me from the inside out. I thought after crying for hours on end, but the tears would eventually dry out, and I was powerless to stop them.
Years and years of unraveling pain like never-ending twine. You made me feel like a caged animal being shredded apart with no distractions and no way out, with not a single familiar thing around me. I had to detox from you. I had to just sit and endure the pain – emotional pain so intense that it felt like I was burning to ashes from the inside out. Two years later and my gut still twinges thinking about the agony that was, but I had to face you. I had to look you in the eye and let go of the shame, resentment and fear that you had instilled in me.
I hated you for so long because I thought I needed you, but I don’t hate you anymore. I just see you for what you are, toxic. You know what I do hate you for? I hate that you have affected others. I absolutely hate that you have stolen other people's joy and put them through the same anguish because they don’t deserve it – no one does. We are stronger than you. You don’t hold a candle to the power and strength we hold within us.
So, eating disorder, as much as you took from me thinking that you won, you're wrong. I won. Just know you've made me one heck of a fighter. You taught me what it was like to claw myself through an emotional inferno and somehow make it out on the other side. You taught me how to love those around me even more than I thought possible, because I finally learned to love myself. You try to snake your way in sometimes. You try to convince me I can't do this, but you should know better because after all, you're the one who showed me I can. What was once pain is now power. Even on the worst days, no one will take away my spirit – not even you. So don’t come back or the beautiful fire that you created will burn you. Bye, bye eating disorder.
Sincerely,
Your Conqueror
