Sometimes you have to express your emotions on paper with a pen and instead of to a person.
And that's just what I did. This is raw and real and I don't want to share this. But I feel like someone needs to hear it.
And let the story time commence.
I was sitting down with a good friend one day having some very intentional conversations. She talked about some of the hurts in my past and I talked about mine. I talked about the long story of a heart-ache that happened four years ago.
Four years ago was the last time I have spoken to my ex-boyfriend. Which is crazy to think about even now. I told her of the verbal, mental and even physical abuse that happened.
"He struggled with a deep addiction to pornography and I didn't know how to handle it."
I told her in an ashamed undertone. As I continued to tell her about the physiological damage that took place she began to stop me. She said that I was placing all the blame on myself for the failed relationship. That when I was describing the ways he treated me, my language was actually more negative to myself than to him. Of course, I didn't recognize that until she said something. But it made me realize that I was still speaking of the situation as my fault. My problems that caused the hurt.
I was manipulated, talked down to, ignored, convinced to do things physically that I didn't want to do, treated unworthy, treated like a small insignificant thing. And yet I was blaming me.
Why? Why was I blaming myself? These things and the actions done to me weren't of my own doing but of someone else. But in my mind they weren't. I caused the actions. By not being good enough. By not being what he needed. And that hurt.
As I began to process this more, a thought occurred to me. I was doing the exact same thing that woman of domestic violence do. Not to put myself anywhere near that level of abuse and hardship but to know that I was blaming myself in a way that I've heard domestic violence victims talk about their abuse was plain mind blowing and heart-hurting.
I told myself, "it is in NO shape, way, or form that abuse it those victims' fault, and neither is mine."
I'm here to tell you right now that any form of abuse that is acted on towards you is not your fault. It doesn't matter if it's verbal, mental or physically.
None of it is your fault.
There is never a reason for someone to treat you with cruelty.
But back to the letter...
So, as all of these emotions started pouring out my friend encouraged me to write a letter to help me get over these hurt. A letter that was addressed to him. And I wrote and I wrote some more. I wrote about how he made me feel like I was nothing. How he made me as small and insignificant as humanly possible. I wrote how all I truly wanted was an apology. How I wanted him to feel sorry for hurting me. I wanted him to feel sorry for making me feel dirty or impure. But I also wrote that I forgave him. I released that anger and that pain with the words that I wrote down on that page.
I finished the letter saying that,
"I hope your life is good. I hope that you've found peace and I hope you're living a life for God."
This is the letter I'll never send. And I don't need to send it.
In the process of writing you find so much healing and comfort from the words on the page.
