Dear You,

You've gone through months of recuperation. Weeks of talking yourself up, reading up on your "How To Be a Hot Ex-Girlfriend," blogs. Repainting your self-image now that you've separated (not by your choice) from someone who used to be your world. All you ever did was give your love, support, time, energy, hopes, dreams, and Netflix password for this person who shall not be named. You've been going out, having memorable (or not so memorable) nights, making memories, living for YOU, reclaiming who you are, and piece by piece, finding yourself again.

You think you've got the hang of the single thing again, and then? You see a picture. A chart, to be more specific. A pie chart that separates Abusive/Toxic Relationships from Healthy Ones. You've been set on the idea that him breaking up with you makes him the bad guy, right? (In this case, he is the bad guy; hold on to that). But an idea hatches in your mind: Did you drive him away? Were you abusive? The image of yourself as an innocent fawn has suddenly been tainted. You had continually badgered him, asking him about who he was texting, where he knew said girl from, where he was going, and who was or wasn't going to be there. The fact that you once proclaimed your love for each other didn't give you much reassurance, which should have been a red flag. However, naïve little you didn't listen to red flags, because you don't see the problems when you're in love. There must be some reason as to why he won't respond to a simple Holiday Greetings text message or a call to see how he is. Maybe you drove him to the breakup; maybe you were the problem. I'm here to tell you that you're wrong.

You gave him the benefit of the doubt. Time after time, because why not? He's allowed to have girl friends and hang out with them and talk to them. You'd be hypocritical to feel any other way. He always relaxed you with the idea that he hated cheaters and would never do that to you, when his only idea of cheating was physical betrayal. He was always far too close for comfort with girls that weren't you, texting them novels, calling them babe, professing his interests. Here is where silly little boys get confused: cheating is treating any person the way you would treat the person you're supposed to be dating.

There comes a point when you realize that you can't keep making excuses for behavior that doesn't sit well with you. “That’s just how he is! He is just a touchy guy! He just gets along with girls!” NO. He is still a human being with a brain, and should understand the difference between right and wrong. He should respect what makes you uncomfortable, and if he doesn’t? He was never mature enough to commit to a queen like you. Now, no one is perfect, but recognizing that you’ve made mistakes and owning up to them makes you the bigger person. If he made you feel guilty for voicing your opinion, that is manipulation and emotional abuse. You only badgered him because time after time, he lost your trust. Your gut is usually right -- listen to it! You know when something isn’t okay, and honestly, you should be rejoicing that this cheater is out of your life.

Now, don’t discount that you guys may have had good memories. Denying that you were in love isn’t going to make moving on easier. Remember the good times, but don’t forget the mistakes. Everything is a lesson in disguise because everything happens for a reason. Now you’ll know how to better voice an opinion in your next relationship, which will be with an amazing man who won’t make you fight for his attention, who will never make you feel clingy, who will reciprocate the effort, who will never make you doubt if you’re loved. You can do this. And yeah, you’re no longer a little fawn. You’re a strong and beautiful doe, who don’t need no buck.

Sincerely,

Getting Stronger Every Day