I know the darkness is closing in. First, a dulling of color, the world seeming less vibrant than it used to be. Then, muddled variants of grey as the haze of depression engulfs you whole. Finally, black. A darkness so deep you cannot see in front of you, or behind. You feel lost. Thoughts flood your mind, telling you that you are not good enough, reminding you of all of your mistakes and failures.
Those thoughts are lies. They are a trap. They pull you in so that you obsess over them, so that you sink lower and give up. They make you sad and anxious, and that anxiety spins out of control. It becomes your reality. The thoughts that haunt you only pull you down further. Do not dwell on those thoughts.
You have so much in your life that you love, and you want to keep moving forward, even if it doesn’t feel like it in this moment. Even though you want to stop, even when you feel like you are standing still, even though your mind shifts and blocks out all of this, know that you wrote this when you were in a better place. You wrote this because you want to keep going. Sometimes, we need reminding when we are caught up in the moment, so you wrote this letter to do just that. You will come out of this on the other side, stronger.
I know you want to slow down, to start to let those responsibilities slip and sink into despair, but fight against that. And give yourself some grace. It is not necessary for you to do everything, to be everything for everyone. You’ve got to take care of yourself. You are worthy of being cared for. Start with caring for yourself and let the other things trickle in. Prioritize. It’s OK if you need to lighten your load during this time.
Do not act on any negative thoughts. Tell yourself that this is how you feel in this moment, but moments pass. You will feel different later. I know it is difficult, that your emotions are heightened, but all of the good in your life is worth fighting for. I will not invalidate how you are feeling. No one should have their feelings invalidated. But feelings, however powerful, are temporal. We don't trust feelings because they change. Process what you are feeling. Talk to yourself, or someone you trust. Then, tell yourself that giving in to that negativity is not a way to make things better, that it won’t always feel this heavy, and let the thoughts fade. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream in to your pillow to let out your emotions, do that. Do what you can to get past this in a healthy way, because there is life beyond these thoughts and feelings. It may seem unending, but it’s not. You know this. You've been here before. You always come out of it. You always move forward.
When you wake up, make the bed. It is a good way to start the day. It means you are not going to lie around in it, that you will sleep at the appropriate times. If you sleep too much you will only feel more depressed. The same goes for sleeping too little. Try to keep your life as normal as possible during this time so that you have something to hang on to. But don’t keep a packed schedule if you can help it, you don’t want to overwhelm yourself to the point where you want to quit everything. It is too tempting to do that as it is.
Get your thoughts out. Write them, talk them out with someone you can rely on. Don’t ruminate, don’t sit there on the couch locked in your thoughts. That leads to panic attacks, to deeper depression, to a world of negativity.
When you feel anxious or you get backed into a corner by your thoughts, acknowledge them. Acknowledge that you are anxious because it is a reality, and then either push the thought aside or address it. If you address it, tell yourself that you are thinking it, that you feel it, but that obsessing over it does not solve it. You are not accomplishing anything through rumination, except added grief. If you cast it aside, keep casting it aside as it tries to come back until it fades away. Whether you address it or cast it aside depends on what the thoughts are, so use your judgement. You know when to sit with it or when to let it go. If those thoughts are harmful in any way, do not dwell on them!
You have made a list of things that are good in your life, of things that you are thankful for. Read it when you feel empty, lonely, or low. You also have a list of priorities in your life. Use it as a reference when you need to cut back on things because you are feeling tired or sad, so that you can take care of yourself without dropping everything and sinking into despair. Keep a list of phone numbers handy, so that you can reach out when you need to. You have all of this in place because you know you can make it through this. It's alright to need help.
If you find you can’t do all that you needed to do in any given day, it’s all right. That is the nature of depression. You have a real illness and it has symptoms beyond your control. You can, however, work on how you respond to them. Slowly implement these things so that you can ease the burden a little, so that you are still a participant in life.
Don’t let go. Depression feels like it lingers forever. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t feel the weight lifting quickly. It will not happen right away, but it does get better. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true. The darkness will lift, fade to grey, and then the brightness of day will fill your life again.
Keep fighting,
-Me
If you or someone you know is feeling depressed, don't be afraid to reach out for support. There is no shame in needing help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24 hours) 1-800-273-TALK
