Hi there, it's me.

I don't know if I've ever fully introduced myself to you. I'm Mattea, your typical, 18-year-old college student trying to figure out what she wants to do with the rest of her life. On the outside, I look like I'm "normal" and have everything going for me. I look like I have everything together and that nothing bothers me. But truthfully, I have generalized anxiety disorder, a condition where my brain interprets fears and worries as more extreme and life-threatening than they actually are. Basically, if I'm worried, nervous or scared about something, my brain may trigger a fight or flight response in order to defend myself. Usually, these fears and worries are irrational and non-threatening, but my body truly doesn't know the difference.

For a majority of my life, I had no idea what anxiety was and the thought never crossed my mind that I might have it. But as I look back on experiences and thoughts I had as a child, I realize that I've had generalized anxiety my entire life. The way I looked at things and interpreted them was not how others would usually experience them. I never knew another child my age who constantly and obsessively worried about talking to their family members or being liked by their teachers or experienced such severe dread about their math homework that they would become physically ill. But those were realities of my childhood, and they were my norms. I just thought that I was oversensitive or that I overreacted to everything.

Not until I was in middle school was I introduced to the idea of anxiety; my father had suddenly passed away and it shook my entire family. I quietly sat aside and watched as my brother woke up every morning and fought against his own anxiety disorder, desperate to win. I had no idea that his reality would soon become my own, and if I could go back in time and warn myself, I definitely would. But I watched him, hoping he would be able to go back to living a normal life. Eventually, he would, but not after his anxiety almost won over him.

Then it was my turn, and unfortunately, it manifested itself when I was in high school. Truthfully, as I look back, I did have some major anxiety problems when I was in middle school, especially in the seventh and eighth grades, but at the time I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. In high school, however, it was unavoidable. There was no way I could have escaped my anxiety disorder.

School became hard all of a sudden. My grades began to fall, as I had trouble paying attention in classes. I used to be such a good student, what's wrong with me? I'd think. I began to fear going to class, which absolutely baffled me and everyone around me. I was afraid of this idea of going to school. I was afraid of a building full of people who I had known my entire life. Honestly, I was afraid of being judged and afraid of people finding out that I had anxiety, finding out that I was allowing my own thoughts to get the best of me. Everyone would laugh at me, or worse, tell me to just get over it. I knew my fears were irrational and pretty idiotic to the average person, but they were real to me, and they kept me from living a full, rewarding life for four years.

I began to miss school often. My attendance was so terrible that letters being sent home to my mom was the norm and was to be expected. People began to talk and would frequently ask me why I missed school so often. "I'm just sick," I'd tell them. I didn't want anyone to know the real reason — I couldn't get out of bed in the morning because I was afraid of leaving my house, afraid of being judged every moment of my life. I couldn't admit to anyone that I was depressed and my anxiety was taking over my life.

This was when I became the butt of everyone's jokes as well. I was called a "school skipper"; everyone would joke that I played hooky too often, that I didn't care about school and that I skipped school because I wanted to. I'd laugh along and joke with them, trying to be cool about it as much as I could, but inside, it was painful. Everyone's snide remarks and jokes would constantly run through my head like a constant feed of noise. What if they were right? What if I was a loser who just didn't care? What if everything that was going on in my head was actually made up, just like everyone said?

Anxiety isn't just a mental thing, however. I began experiencing really weird and severe physical symptoms as well. My sleep schedule became erratic and usually, I would wake up at least twice a night, every night. I would also have vivid, anxiety-induced nightmares that would wake me up and keep me awake, worrying for hours after. I was relying heavily on over-the-counter melatonin tablets, but eventually, they began to lose their effectiveness, and I was at a sleep-deprived loss again. Because I wasn't getting a full night of rest most of the time, my immune system became weak, and I would become sick more often, which in turn, made me miss more school.

My heart would race out of nowhere, I would get hot and sweaty, and sometimes, I would space out in the middle of class, almost as if I was disassociating from myself. And of course, there were the sudden, debilitating and terrifying anxiety attacks. I had no idea what was happening to me. I honestly thought I was slowly, but surely dying.

The worst part was that I kept it all inside, and this made me feel like I was alone. Every day became this huge, intimidating obstacle for me to get through that would exhaust me, both mentally and physically. I hid it from the world for all of high school, and eventually only told a few people that I thought wouldn't judge me. Now that I'm in college, I've been very open about it in hopes that I could inspire others and comfort people who go through the same thing. I never want anyone to feel like they're alone because we aren't. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders are "collectively ... the most common mental disorders", and one in four adults will discover they have an anxiety disorder in their lifetime.

These are the facts of my life. These are the realities I face every day. Yes, sometimes I get extremely upset over little, minuscule things or worry excessively about a passing comment someone may have said to me. I know that I am more likely to develop a heart condition and that there is no cure for my disorder, that I will never be fully liberated from my anxiety. But I am not afraid anymore; I will fight my hardest every day. Some days are great and other days, my anxiety hits with full force. But I have the greatest support system anyone could ask for, and I've come in contact with so many amazing people who also have anxiety.

I'm going to continue to grow and learn every day, and I will not let my disorder get in my way of being successful, and most of all, happy.