My obsession with music has ebbed and flowed over the years.
In high school I turned to music for a variety of reasons: for comfort, for an escape from reality, for inspiration and emotional stimulation. I have fond memories of playing my favorite songs on the drive to school every morning, and of spending hours after school downloading indie/alternative songs onto my iPod. I cultivated a complex relationship with music. I turned to different styles and genres to help me through different situations--rap music gave me the energy I needed for my evening jog; classic rock enhanced feelings of excitement; indie music, with its wide range of styles, was good for soul-searching, late night hang outs, and coping with teen angst.
Moving to college forced me to distance myself from music as I became convinced that I didn't have time to indulge in passions that I'd labeled 'unproductive'. The only songs I heard were the over-played, lackluster pop hits that my roommate occasionally played.Time passed, and eventually I forgot what it felt like to hear a song that made my heart ache, or gave me chills, or felt like it was part of my identity. I began to tell myself that I wasn't missing anything. That I was making a better use of my time. That music was overrated.
Fast forward to February 2017, which has brought with it gray skies and overwhelming stress. Amidst feeling consumed by anxiety and schoolwork, I decided to make my boyfriend a music playlist as part of his Valentine's Day present. I logged onto YouTube, and had an actual moment of panic when I realized I had no idea how to navigate my way to good music. In high school I could list off fifteen incredible bands and my top ten favorite songs at any given moment, but here I was, lacking any musical preference at all. It was a sad moment.
Once I calmed down, I started with some old favorites--songs that he loved, songs that I loved, songs that had helped shape our relationship. As I began compiling them, I realized that damn, I had missed this. Sitting cross-legged in front of my laptop, searching for songs to that each explored different facets of a particular emotion. The playlist was for my boyfriend but the making of it became all about me. I found new bands that excited me. I found songs that healed wounds I hadn't known existed. I found psychedelic music that spoke to me on a spiritual level. I was completely swept away in a current of melodic bliss and relaxation, and it was then that I saw what I had been lacking without music in my life.
I think I am entering a phase of being in love with music again, and I am so okay with that.
