I have been sitting at my computer off and on for the last few hours, writing and re-writing about four different articles, and trying to take care of other rehearsal/homework/housekeeping things; it’s cloudy and raining outside, and dorm room lighting isn’t the best (I’m also too tired to reach behind my lofted bed to plug in my string lights). To put it bluntly, with the combination of the weather and my own mind, I’m not at all happy with anything I’ve done today. Nothing has been up to my standard, my motivation has been dwindling…and the biggest reason why is pretty apparent to me: my perfectionism.
I, like quite a few other people on this planet, am a huge perfectionist. I’m someone who feels guilty if I’m not doing something explicitly productive, someone who religiously uses planners and journals, who will rehearse things fifty times over and rewrite thirty until I’m vaguely satisfied. For those of us who are like that, it’s a benefit…to an extent. Perfectionism often breeds hard workers. We’re people who will always put in 110% and can be relied upon to do what we’ve said we will. We make great artists—passion plus perfectionism equals extreme dedication—and good analysts, as we anxiously overthink what we’re doing and why. It pushes us to do our best. That’s a good thing.
But then look at some of the descriptors I unconsciously used there: “guilty,” “extreme,” “anxiously.” That’s where the unhealthiness sets in.
My personal struggle with a perfectionistic mindset has been ongoing for a very, very long time, and it’s reared its head a lot more in the past few weeks of starting school. From life experiences and my own engrained thought process, I immediately get frustrated with myself for not being able to grasp something within the first day of doing it. And I know I’m not alone in that. That mentality is so, so unhealthy, though. It’s gone so far before that teachers have had to point it out.
Now, let’s talk about that. Perfectionism puts an insane amount of pressure on a person: after all, letting yourself down can be ten times worse than if it were someone else. That leads to a lot of feeling less than, idiotic, frustrated, and/or like a failure. Not only is that physically damaging—oh, hello, stress headaches, tense muscles, trouble sleeping, and more!—but imagine the injury inflicted on your psyche, your mind. Perfectionism can lead to pessimism, negativity, and very low self-esteem, whether it’s reinforced by you or someone else…or both. I’ve found in myself that it can lead to very upset phases of life, trying to pull myself out of this disappointed slump. And it’s not because I can’t take criticism or reality (I don’t know why some people automatically make that assumption): I just struggle with my own discontent with how I’ve performed/done/who freaking knows what else, honestly.
We need to be kinder to ourselves. As a society, as people, we need to cut ourselves a bit more of a break. Controlled perfectionism—the kind that pushes you, encourages you, to do your best and grow as a person—is totally fine. It might be good, actually. But expecting true perfection, and expecting it right away, is ridiculous and extremely unhealthy. That’s impossible. Each perfectionist is demanding themselves to do the impossible. Again: pushing is good, but berating yourself for not reaching an insane standard isn’t. It’s hard, I know. I’m still fighting to practice what I preach. But it needs to be considered.
So, give yourself a break. Don’t feel guilty if you take a half hour to watch YouTube videos after two hours of studying. If your voice cracks on that one stupid passaggio note, don’t worry. It’s okay. If you’re reading some weird Buzzfeed List instead of paging through the latest debate, don’t feel like a failure: we all need some lightness in our life. Be nice to yourself. Things will come in time. Create a balance between striving to be the best you can be and relaxing your brain muscles.
This article is as much for me as it is for anyone else, truly. We all need to try to let that perfectionism go. We’ll be fine, I promise. We’ll get there. It just won’t be today…but maybe tomorrow.
