Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be the best dancer in my class, the best goalie in soccer, the best painter in art class, the best best friend. It drove me to be a perfectionist. The first time that I realized that I was a perfectionist was in an eight grade science class. I couldn't get one of our projects just right when my teacher told me what I was doing was fine and to "stop being such a perfectionist." I can hear her say those words to me even now. Back then, I thought being a perfectionist was bad, and sometimes I still do.

Once I got into high school, I learned to appreciate this aspect of my personality. I was always getting my homework done on time and to my best ability, never taking the easy way out or just doing things half way. In one class I had to make a nursery in a shoe box; I made mine complete with wood floors and matching wooden furniture. I struggled some as well. I would pour my time, heart, and soul, into projects to do the best job I possibly could and sometimes it still wouldn't be good enough. I would even take on more than I wanted to just so that I could make sure all the jobs were done correctly and perfectly. This put me in a loop of disappointment when I got a "bad" grade (anything not an A was unacceptable) or when someone went and redid a job I'd done (moving a decoration for a dance, or adding another coat of paint on the poster). I slowly began to slip, thinking I wasn't good enough.

Then came college, where I dove into doing anything and everything I could; I rarely had downtime. I noticed that good grades weren't as easy to come by, and that I couldn't be superwoman and do everything. I wasn't allowed to be in charge of groups as a freshman, that I had to sit back and let others take control. In the back of my mind I knew they were more than qualified, but even still, I believed I was still able to be the best person for the job. I'm not sure if anyone else had caught on to this perfectionism in me. I began to realize that being a perfectionist had its good and bad qualities, and sometimes I needed to subdue that part of me.

All of that was going great until this year. This year I decided to go to school full time as well as hold a job off campus. Now I know people do that and more all the time, but this is where my trouble started. This was my first "big-girl" job and hell if I wasn't going to be great at it. It took a little bit to get the hang of the job, but I picked it up quickly. All was going great with school and work until one off week. I had been stressed with school work and my performance at work was a little off. I guess that had been wearing on me and I was told that I was causing some tension with another co-worker. I was shook to the core. This was not in my plan of being great. I was also informed that sometimes I worry about others' performances more than my own. Well of course I did, I wanted everything to be perfect! That is where I actually fully realized, I wasn't perfect, and I could never be.

From there on out, I had to learn and recognize that sometimes I was inadequate, imperfect. I can't be superwoman, I can't do it all, and I definitely can't be in charge all the time. I can't always control things around me, and that is okay. I am taking it one day at a time, and learning to be imperfect.