What you Learn After Heartbreak

10 Things You Figure Out After Heartbreak

What you find out when who you thought was "The One" becomes one of the past.

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Ahh, heartbreak: it's almost inevitable, and it looks different for everyone.

Despite all the different ways someone can get their heart broken, the recovery cycle seems to follow a similar pattern:

1. The "I can't be alone; I need to be with someone" phase.

2. The "I started to date someone new, but I psyched myself out" phase.

3. The "I am going to stay single forever because love sucks" phase.

4. The "I think I'm ready to try again" phase.

Throughout this long and painful process, you learn so much about yourself and about life. You grow when your heart breaks.

Here are a few of those things you find while picking up and mending those pieces back together.

1. You are unbelievably strong. 

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You invested so much of yourself into someone else, and now that person is gone. Even though that is painful to recognize, please realize how incredibly strong you are for still getting up every single day and living your life. Maybe it's not perfect, maybe sometimes you feel cynical, but you're still here. That alone deserves an applause.

2. There are a lot of people who you've been missing out on spending time with.

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Relationships take WORK. They take time, and they take a lot of it. When you were in a relationship, you probably spent most of your time with your significant other; consequently, you couldn't spend as much time with others. Whether you've been neglecting time with friends, family, or even yourself, go spend some quality time with those you're missing.

3. You are one step closer to finding the right one.

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Even if you never want to fall in love again, think of it this way: Each relationship teaches you more about the qualities you want (and don't want) in the person you choose to spend forever with. Each relationship teaches you how you show your love to others, and what makes you feel loved. Each mistake helps you grow, and all the hurt reminds you to never settle for less than you deserve again.

4. Actually "getting over" someone is a lot different than you expect.

You're never going to feel the way you felt before you met the one who broke your heart. You were part of each other's lives, and there's no denying that. Your heart looks different now, but that doesn't mean it's still broken.

Imagine that each time you meet someone new, you give them a piece of your heart, and they give you a piece of theirs. From that point on, the way you love has something to do with the way they love or the way someone loved them before they met you.

The one you fell in love with had an impact on your life. The experience becomes part of your story, but it doesn't have to define who you are forever. Stop running from the hurt; learn from it, and grow from it.

5. Some things will always remind you of someone. That doesn't mean you haven't moved on.

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There will be a song on the radio that takes you back to a summer drive. You will eat at the restaurant where you had your first date. You'll watch the movie you were watching the first time you kissed.

Just because you remember these times doesn't mean you're not over someone. It just means you have good memories with someone in your past. Moving on means you can smile and appreciate those times for what they "were" without wanting to go back to the one who hurt you.

Remember that just like times change, people change too. You will never be able to be the exact replicas of the happy couple ingrained in your memory; in fact, desperately trying to recreate that will probably do more harm than good.

6. The idea of ever falling in love again seems incredibly taxing.

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Those who experience heartbreak all ask themselves this at one point or another: "If it hurts this much when it's over, why would I ever subject myself to falling in love again?"

Then, eventually, you realize something.

You wonder what it will feel like to have someone who doesn't give up on you, someone who is always there to listen, and someone who cheers you on every single day. You imagine what it will be like to fall in love with someone who understands what it means to work hard for what you care about, to talk through the hard times, and to be transparent with you no matter what.

Sure, there's a risk, but there's also a reward. You have to decide what risks you're willing to take. Life gets awfully lonely when you go through it all by yourself.

7. Love doesn't look the same each time you fall again.

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After your first love breaks your heart, it's hard to realize that the next time you fall in love with someone, it won't feel the exact same.

It does feel different, though, and that's because people are different. Maybe you fell in love with someone's sense of humor the first time, but the next person you're interested in has a kind heart. Maybe you liked a guitar player, but then you fell for an athlete.

Maybe you fell in love the first time because that person made your heart skip a beat and gave you butterflies when you were near each other. Then, the next time you fell in love, it was because someone made your heart feel safe and being in each other's presence made you feel at home. Maybe the first person you fell in love with gave you a rush, but the next person gave you trust.

No two people are the exact same, so it makes sense that way you feel for them will be different. Remember that just because the feeling is different, doesn't mean it isn't love.

8. Kind hearts break hearts, too.

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Maybe your significant other cheated on you, abused you, or took you for granted.

Or, maybe none of those things happened. Maybe the person you fell in love with was incredibly wonderful in almost every way. Maybe you thought the relationship was next to perfect, and you don't understand why things had to end.

That's when you need to realize that something doesn't necessarily have to go wrong for a relationship to end. If you think there always has to be some dramatic and traumatizing event for two people to grow apart, then you're going to end up blaming yourself for the relationship ending when you did nothing wrong. People just decide what they choose to invest in and choose where to put their priorities.

If your relationship wasn't your significant other's priority, that doesn't mean that you are not worthy of being a priority. We are all human, and all of us have hurt people we never intended on hurting. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, no matter how much you try.

9. Someone, someday, is going to appreciate all you do like never before.

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You did SO much for the wrong person. Imagine what you'll do for the right one. That person will feel beyond lucky and make sure you know that.

10. You loved someone.

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You opened up your heart to someone. You devoted yourself to someone else. You cared for someone on such a deep level. You made memories. You were someone's accountability partner, shoulder to cry on, advice giver, and best friend. You were there for someone, at some point, more than anyone else was. YOU. DID. THAT.

That's pretty amazing that your heart is capable of that.

Don't let your heart become hardened after heartbreak. Don't let your hurt define you. Let it teach you how to love better each time you choose to try again. Give away love like you're made of it, but remember what you deserve.

Refusing to let yourself love will hurt just as much as heartbreak does. You don't have to feel the loneliness you feel now forever.

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Why You Should Stop Chasing Him

You deserve better.
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They say “the thrill of the chase" makes someone more enticing. There's just something about wanting something you can't have that drives you crazy (in a good way). There is never a dull moment. Pursuing him is a challenge. Nothing comes easily. What's the fun in that anyway?

I'm going to tell you this: stop chasing him. Stop forgiving him when he forgets to answer your text messages and phone calls. Stop being the one to always make plans. Stop letting him bail on you. Stop waiting around for him. Stop being lied to. Stop making excuses when he doesn't make time for you. There is a difference between someone who is “hard to get" and a flat out jerk who doesn't give you the time of day. Stop letting him use you.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you fall asleep every night in the middle of texting him because neither of you want the conversation to end. You deserve someone who plans dates for the two of you. You deserve someone who asks you to hang out before midnight. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you just as much as you do with them. You deserve someone who insists on paying for your ice cream. You deserve someone who won't deceive you. You deserve someone who is straightforward. You deserve attention. You deserve affection. You deserve a partnership that is mutual, not one-sided. You deserve to be chased.

You are better than 3 a.m. “Hey" texts. You are better than a night spent watching a movie just to fool around. You are better than trying to decode his vague messages. You are better than his shadiness. You are better than mind games. You are better than being ignored.

If you have to chase him, he's not worth it. Don't settle for someone who makes you beg for his attention. If he is genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will put in the effort. A relationship where your feelings are reciprocated is far more rewarding than one where you constantly feel like you have to drag him along.

Change your mentality. Become more independent. Be confident, be bold. Find happiness in being alone. Don't waste your time pathetically chasing after someone who doesn't feel the same, but doesn't have the heart or the courage to tell you so. Your self-confidence and positivity will make you radiant, and eventually, you will attract the kind of guy who is mature enough to not mess with your head.

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Ladies, Stop Trying To Teach Boys How To Be Your Man If They're Not Even Men In The First Place

It is your job to love him. But it is not your job to teach him how to love you back.

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I see. this way too often, honestly it upsets me and breaks my heart. It breaks my heart when I see a girl begging her boyfriend to put her on her Snapchat story. It breaks my heart when I see a girl begging her boyfriend to get off a video game and spend time with her. It breaks my heart when I see a girl doodling on a napkin at the dinner table and her boyfriend is on his phone and hasn't even looked up at her once. These things break my heart because this girl, whoever she may be, maybe it is you? She deserves a man. What she has though, is a boy. And before you say anything, yes, there is a huge difference.

I was that girl once. I begged and begged my ex-boyfriend all the time to put me on his Snapchat story. You may be reading this and be thinking "Wow she's a little attention seeking." No, that is not it at all. A simple act of being posted about made me feel special, loved, missed at times, and served as reassurance and a word of affirmation for me. Do you want to know something silly? Maybe you've done it too. Sometimes I would do something crazy to get his attention. Something funny, and silly and random just so he would post me on his story and I wouldn't have to ask.

At the dinner table, I was that girl that while he was on his phone I was sliding him notes on a napkin saying "I love you" or "Hi" or funny jokes to get his full and undivided attention.

At home, I was the girl that used to literally throw myself at him while he was playing video games to try and get him to press pause for two minutes and pay attention to me and have a conversation with me.

You see, I was that girl. But I refuse to ever be that girl again. If you are that girl, stop what you're doing.

It is your job to love him. But it is not your job to teach him how to love you back.

There is a big difference between a boy and a man. Contrary to what society may believe most boys don't actually turn into men until they are almost 40. Scary for us girls right? But here's the kicker and to be honest it has nothing to do with age.

Any boy that is in the process of becoming a man and maturing is going to know how to treat a woman. He is not going to choose video games or his phone over you. He is going to post you everywhere all the time because he wants to show you off to the world and make you feel special. He isn't going to ever leave you wondering.

The list could really go on comparing and contrasting the differences between a boy and a man but the important ones to remember when you are in a relationship are:

1. A boy thinks "me." A man thinks "us"

2. A boy gives false promises. A man honors his commitments (one being you.)

3. A boy cares about how you look in jeans. A man cares about how you look in his future.

4. You will always wonder how a boy feels about you. You will always know how a man feels about you.

All too often I see girls in the act of this. It is almost like they are training a dog or raising a child. They order them around and become demanding when it comes to doing things that make them feel special, validated and reassured. Granted, they are doing this because their relationship is lacking something but the truth is, it shouldn't be lacking something in the first place.

You are dating a boy not a man. I hate to break that to you. I really do. It's the hardest news you'll ever receive. Why? Well because

You can't fix him, you can't teach him, and you can't change a boy into a man. They have to do it on their own

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