12. 30. Large. These numbers and words are things that used to haunt me to no end. They are my sizes.
Let me just start by saying that this in an article I never thought I would be able to write.
There has never been a time in my life where I felt thin. Even when I was little, I was always just a little bit rounder, and as I got older I started to think I was fat. I was never by any means unhealthily heavy or obese, but in my teenage mind, I was huge. I didn’t think I was talented because of my weight. I didn’t think boys would like me because of my weight. I didn’t think I was beautiful because of my weight.
Can we take a moment to address the size large. Large. How on earth am I supposed to feel beautiful if all my clothes are saying that I am large.
I was recently diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). One of the biggest symptoms of this is uncontrollable weight gain. Before this diagnosis, I always used to think in terms of “when I’m finally thin." Things like “I’ll buy that dress when I lose the weight” or “that boy will finally like me back when I get thin.” When I found out I had PCOS, my thoughts turned to, “I’ll never buy that dress now” and, “That boy will never like me back.” Those first few months after I found out, I lied to myself. I let myself believe that being curvy was a curse. I let myself think that my weight meant absolutely anything about who I am.
Boy oh boy was I so wrong.
By surrounding myself with good friends, dancing a lot, and calling my mom, I’ve learned that having curves is absolutely anything but a curse. I am so blessed to have more of me to love. My body is so beautiful because I am happy with what God has given me. I like the way I look in clothes, I smile at my reflection in the mirror, and honestly, I love the way my butt looks in my jeans.
PCOS has taught me a lot of things. It’s taught me how to be more responsible, how to grow in what you’ve been given and how to love your body with all its flaws.
I used to resent the sizes on all the tags in my closet. But you know what comes in twelve’s? The days of Christmas. Donuts. I am a size 30 waist and I am flirty and thriving (nod to "13 Going On 30"). Do you know what’s large? My dreams, my goals, my laugh, my group of friends and my love for my family.
A year ago I would have been so ashamed to ever let anyone know how much I weigh.
My body is beautiful because I say so. It is a wonderful vessel I have been given. It gives me the ability to walk, to sing, to love. That number on the scale means absolutely nothing about my beauty.
What a blessing my body is. All of it.
