For most of my life I have struggled with anxiety. When I was younger it wasn't so bad, but as I reached adolescence these issues reached their peak. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed by fear, although I often wasn't even sure what I was afraid of. I would cry so hard that I couldn't breathe or I would hyperventilate, sometimes both. Things I had been doing all my life, going to school or to church, suddenly felt almost impossible. As the years have gone by things have improved, but it can still be a struggle.
1. It makes me sick.
There is a strong connection between the nervous system and the digestive system. All I have to do is start thinking about something that makes me anxious and I can give myself stomach cramps. Which makes me more anxious, because one of my greatest anxieties involves feeling sick. Then being more anxious makes me feel worse. Sometimes I'm not even sure which came first, if I'm anxious because I feel sick or if I feel sick because I'm anxious.
2. It's embarrassing.
As I've grown older I've realized that I am not the only one with these struggles, but it often feels like I am. I worry that people think I'm crazy, that they'll make fun of me for being afraid of things like letting other people drive. I worry that people think I'm weird for always sitting in the back of a room, close to the exit, ready to make a quick getaway. I'm terrified of what anyone would think if they saw me having a panic attack. When I did have an attack in front of a few friends I was more upset about them seeing me like that than the attack itself. I was humiliated that I had ruined what should have been a great day because I let my anxieties get the best of me.
3. I know it doesn't make sense.
I am usually a logical person. I value reason and careful thought. Anxiety throws all of that out the door. I know that there is no reason to be anxious about riding in a car driven by someone other than myself or my parents, that panic attacks only last a few minutes and aren't going to kill me and that none of the wild scenarios I have imagined are actually going to happen. I laugh a little when people say it's all in my head because that's true. It is all in my head, literally, and that's the worst part. My own mind, which I would usually consider my greatest asset, becomes my worst enemy.
4. It can make everyday things difficult.
For the most part I can go through my daily life without really noticing my anxiety, but that isn't always the case. Like I said before one of my biggest anxieties involves letting other people drive, which can sometimes make it harder to hang out with friends, especially when I'm too embarrassed to explain what's really going on. In big assemblies, which happen all too often at school for my tastes, I need to sit on the aisle and preferably close to the back. To make sure I get a good seat I always arrive early. This usually means I end up sitting alone, either because my friends arrive much later or because they prefer to be front and center. These are all problems I'm working on, but unfortunately progress can be slow.
5. It isn't just about being afraid.
Although anxiety and fear are often used interchangeably, including by me in this article, they aren't exactly the same. Anxiety is about something that might happen, and fear involves present stimuli. For example, anxiety comes with the concern that you might see a snake. Fear comes when you actually see a snake. Fear definitely does play into the equation, it just isn't the only variable.
6. It makes me self-conscious.
I tend to try to act completely confident, as if I don't really care and things don't bother me. But that's all it is, an act. I care too much about too many things and I'm rarely sure of myself. I'm constantly questioning my own actions and wondering what others think of me. When I talk to people I often find myself worrying that I'm talking too much, or that I said something wrong. I'm terrified that as soon as I walk away people stop smiling and sigh with relief, or that they start laughing about how weird and awkward I am. I worry that my friends would rather not have me around but are too nice to say anything. I worry that I annoy them with my quirks and insecurities. I know that this probably isn't true, at least not all of the time. I know that I have friends who love and appreciate me. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.
