When I was in IOP two years ago, a girl looked at me and told me I reminded her of Kintsugi. I had never felt more confused, so I went home and looked it up. Kintsugi is the art of putting broken pieces back together with gold. And that, my friends, is how I would describe the last six months of my life.
Six months ago I had broken pieces scattered all around; pieces of glass that I'd cut my hands on the minute I tried to pick them up. I lived shattered for months. The mess of glass that made up my being was so confusing. I dreamed of the day when I could glue myself back together, but part of me just wanted to live damaged for the rest of my life. That's what I'd known; that's what I thought I deserved.
A shift happened. One day I woke up and decided I was going to take my life back. I decided to pick those pieces up and glue myself back together. With the shattered pieces, I was still myself but I was never whole--never fulfilled in what I could do and who I was. But I couldn't use just glue to put my pieces back together. I'm extra, after all.
I used the gold of my inner self to put my broken pieces back together. Did it hurt picking those pieces up that I wanted to forever ignore? Of course. Did it feel good to finally feel like a new, better me? Of course. My scars that had defined me for years did not represent anything distasteful or hateful anymore; the scars are golden.
Months ago I would've credited my success to all kinds of other people. I would have told others that I didn't do this, that they did. But this time, I know I did the work. I stayed up long nights, went through things again, and experienced things I never wanted to experience. I did the work.
YOU can do the work too. Speaking from experience, I know what it feels like to not know what direction to go in anymore. I know what it's like to feel broken beyond repair and to not feel worthy of fixing.
I spent years hiding behind the mask of what's happened to me. I defined my identity by bad things that had occurred instead of who I thought I really was on the inside. I let negative coping skills become my personality and never opened up to the idea that I could ever be happy again. But I am. I made it. And you can too!
The first thing I did was let go of negative people in my life. I found that the moment I separated myself from the people who were reminding me of negative times in my life, or people that did not have my best interest at heart, I found myself even more. It sucks to be lonely, but it's better than being surrounded by people who make your feelings worse.
The second thing I did was sit in silence with myself. I still struggle with this, of course, but I had days of self-reflection when I truly evaluated where I was and where I wanted to be. I asked myself hard questions. WHY couldn't I do what I wanted to do? WHAT is stopping me from being who and what I want to be? WHERE do I want to end up? WHO do I want by my side?
And WHEN was I going to stop making excuses and start writing my own story?
The last thing I remember doing is planning. I sat down with my passion planner (@Katie lol) and planned out parts of my day where I would apply to graduate schools I WANTED to go to. I planned on applying for jobs where I could finally find my passion. I planned things that made my heart happy and helped me find myself again.
I put myself back together with the gold of my inner being. It was always there, but I finally woke up and realized it. No matter what you're going through, or where you're at, you can do the same thing.
Always remember: Kintsugi.
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