7 "Alternative" Products Kellyanne Would Definitely Try To Sell
Politics and Activism

7 "Alternative" Products Kellyanne Would Definitely Try To Sell

If "alternative facts" could market books, there's nothing it couldn't sell!

21
Slate

During a Meet the Press interview on January 22, 2017, U.S Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway coined the phrase “alternative facts.” Conway’s inventive use of the word “facts” was immediately met with fervent liberal opposition. Viral responses later compared “alternative facts” to the term “newspeak” from George Orwell’s "1984". The allusion reignited popular interest in the dystopian novel, which promptly became the number one best-selling book on Amazon.

But liberals were not the only group responding to Kellyanne Conway’s rhetoric. After the Trump Administration encountered scrutiny as a result of Conway’s statement, Internet sensation Tomi Lahren stated, “excuse me, liberal snowflakes, but maybe you should actually do some homework instead of just hating on the Trump and his people. Do you know who won the 1984 presidential election? Oh yeah, it was Ronald Reagan! You can go on and cry to your mommies, but all you're doing is comparing President Trump to the great President Reagan. So, um yeah, you can all go to hell. Those are my final thoughts. God bless.”

Upon hearing of 1984’s spike in popularity, President Trump believed that people were buying his 1987 book Trump: The Art of the Deal. After checking Amazon and seeing that none of his 20 different books were out of stock, he did a quick Google search and found out that Orwell’s novel was the actual object of popular attention. Trump later tweeted “1984 is overrated! I lived through 1984. No one lived through 1984 more than me. The book is inaccurate. Wrong!”

Conway, being not only Trump’s Counselor but also his business apprentice, saw an opportunity. She thought that if “alternative facts” could market books, then there is nothing the catchphrase couldn't sell. It has taken over a month of planning, but Conway is finally ready to introduce her newest passion project: a full line of merchandise called “Alternative Craps™ by Kellyanne” sold exclusively at stores that aren't Nordstrom. The full catalog is listed below.

1. Alternative Slacks

(Jeans. They are just jeans.)

These aren’t jeans; they are just the denim version of slacks. Conway said the idea just came to her while she was in a Levi’s store and asked if they had any denim slacks; she was told there was no such thing. Well not anymore!


2. Alternative Cats

(A singular, large NYC rat)

Conway is allergic to cats but has always been called a cat lady because of her insane view of the world and demented stare. Conway wanted to embrace the label so she found a loophole; a new breed of cats. Kellyanne actually discovered the breed while in President Trump’s hometown of New York City.


3. Alternative Naps

(Monster energy drinks)

Kellyanne is a busy lady. As you can tell by the…everything about her, she doesn’t actually ever sleep: she naps! But naps take time out of her hectic life so now she takes alternative naps. Well, technically she drinks them.


4. Alternative Macs

(A DELL computer with one of those free apple stickers you get with an iPhone over the logo)

With a boss as active on social media as Trump, Conway has to keep up with the times. All the cool kids nowadays use Mac computers. Kellyanne has come up with her own version of the popular laptop.


5. Alternative Bats

(A literal rifle)

Conway has to defend the statements of the entire administration, so when Betsy DeVos proposed placing a gun in some schools for protection against grizzly bears, Kellyanne helped her out by saying that they could just use baseball bats... alternative bats.


6. Alternative Class

(Maybe the name was the reason Trump University failed)

College students, you want an affordable education? The Trump Administration has heard you loud and clear. And they bigly agree. That’s why the government now provides free* alternative classes, courtesy of Trump University Kellyanne Conway herself.

*Alternative classes are not free.


7. Alternative Snacks

(A large Dominos pizza you eat alone while mourning the death of a nation)

If you are sad because you accidentally got a human troll doll elected leader of the free world, you might sometimes want a snack to cheer yourself up. Kellyanne gets where you are coming from, so now you can buy her version of snacks.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

I was never really big on cocktails. Tequila soda is always a go-to drink for me because of its simplicity and, to be honest, lack of extra calories from mixers chock-full of sugar, chemicals, and other unknown ingredients. I like tequila, and like to be able to really savor it.

This all changed when, a couple of years ago, a friend of mine made me a margarita from scratch — no funky mixers involved — and it tasted incredible. It was light, refreshing, and complemented the tequila without overpowering it.

Keep Reading... Show less

I was blessed with thick, full hair up until my late teens. At the time, I cursed my hairiness — this was before full eyebrows became trendy or cool, and were instead a point of bullying many of my fellow full-browed teens can relate to.

Later in my 20s, hormonal stability was something I was thankful for, though a major side effect ended up being hair loss — on my head, lashes, and brows. I now find my filling in my brows on an almost daily basis. As much as I enjoy toying with and testing out different brow-filling products, it'll never be quite the same as being able to have "I woke up like this" full, Gigi Hadid-esque brows.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

May Is Mental Health Awareness Month, A Reminder We Need Even More In Quarantine

You're going through something brand new — that's worth talking about.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. This isn't new to 2020, but oh man, if we ever needed a reminder about the importance of mental health, now is the time. With different states all over the place in regard to stay-at-home orders, phased reopenings, and a "new normal," we're experiencing conflict, fear, changes, and unknowns that can easily trigger mental struggles we already have or spark feelings we've never had before. Yes, May is always Mental Health Awareness Month, but in quarantine, that need for positive mental health is taken to a whole new level.

Keep Reading... Show less
Netflix

Everyone is LOVING "Outer Banks," as you've probably heard. And if you haven't caught the hype for the show yet, these articles will definitely give you a taste of what you're missing.

If you already have seen and fallen in love with the teen heartthrob crew, you need to get on board with some of these theories for season two!

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

These 11 Face Masks On Etsy Support Small Businesses While Fighting The Spread Of Coronavirus

We're staying safe as states start lifting lockdown guidelines.

I, like most people who have had the luxury of being able to stay at home during this time, haven't spent much time outdoors at all. But when I do brave the great outdoors for a walk or to get to the grocery store, you won't find me without a mask.

My family and I were lucky enough to have family friends who were sewing some and had extras to give to us, but most of my friends and loved ones outside my immediate family have had to order some (or make a makeshift one out of scarves or bandanas).

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

13 Reasons We're Using Quarantine As The Ultimate Excuse For Online Shopping This Month

The one thing we haven't distanced from is our bank account.

Throughout quarantine, I've been FaceTiming most of my friends in a full turtleneck or the go-to cozy sweater I keep wrapped around the chair in my room. Either way, I always have tea in my hands to keep myself warm — till this past week.

For most of the country who hasn't had the luck of quarantining in 90-degree weather on their family's lake house or with a backyard pool, things began to change this month. Our favorite shows came out with summer seasons, the sun came out, and we started spending more time outside.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments