During a Meet the Press interview on January 22, 2017, U.S Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway coined the phrase “alternative facts.” Conway’s inventive use of the word “facts” was immediately met with fervent liberal opposition. Viral responses later compared “alternative facts” to the term “newspeak” from George Orwell’s "1984". The allusion reignited popular interest in the dystopian novel, which promptly became the number one best-selling book on Amazon.
But liberals were not the only group responding to Kellyanne Conway’s rhetoric. After the Trump Administration encountered scrutiny as a result of Conway’s statement, Internet sensation Tomi Lahren stated, “excuse me, liberal snowflakes, but maybe you should actually do some homework instead of just hating on the Trump and his people. Do you know who won the 1984 presidential election? Oh yeah, it was Ronald Reagan! You can go on and cry to your mommies, but all you're doing is comparing President Trump to the great President Reagan. So, um yeah, you can all go to hell. Those are my final thoughts. God bless.”
Upon hearing of 1984’s spike in popularity, President Trump believed that people were buying his 1987 book Trump: The Art of the Deal. After checking Amazon and seeing that none of his 20 different books were out of stock, he did a quick Google search and found out that Orwell’s novel was the actual object of popular attention. Trump later tweeted “1984 is overrated! I lived through 1984. No one lived through 1984 more than me. The book is inaccurate. Wrong!”
Conway, being not only Trump’s Counselor but also his business apprentice, saw an opportunity. She thought that if “alternative facts” could market books, then there is nothing the catchphrase couldn't sell. It has taken over a month of planning, but Conway is finally ready to introduce her newest passion project: a full line of merchandise called “Alternative Craps™ by Kellyanne” sold exclusively at stores that aren't Nordstrom. The full catalog is listed below.
1. Alternative Slacks
(Jeans. They are just jeans.)
These aren’t jeans; they are just the denim version of slacks. Conway said the idea just came to her while she was in a Levi’s store and asked if they had any denim slacks; she was told there was no such thing. Well not anymore!
2. Alternative Cats
(A singular, large NYC rat)
Conway is allergic to cats but has always been called a cat lady because of her insane view of the world and demented stare. Conway wanted to embrace the label so she found a loophole; a new breed of cats. Kellyanne actually discovered the breed while in President Trump’s hometown of New York City.
3. Alternative Naps
(Monster energy drinks)
Kellyanne is a busy lady. As you can tell by the…everything about her, she doesn’t actually ever sleep: she naps! But naps take time out of her hectic life so now she takes alternative naps. Well, technically she drinks them.
4. Alternative Macs
(A DELL computer with one of those free apple stickers you get with an iPhone over the logo)
With a boss as active on social media as Trump, Conway has to keep up with the times. All the cool kids nowadays use Mac computers. Kellyanne has come up with her own version of the popular laptop.
5. Alternative Bats
(A literal rifle)
Conway has to defend the statements of the entire administration, so when Betsy DeVos proposed placing a gun in some schools for protection against grizzly bears, Kellyanne helped her out by saying that they could just use baseball bats... alternative bats.
6. Alternative Class
(Maybe the name was the reason Trump University failed)
College students, you want an affordable education? The Trump Administration has heard you loud and clear. And they bigly agree. That’s why the government now provides free* alternative classes, courtesy of
Trump University Kellyanne Conway herself.
*Alternative classes are not free.
7. Alternative Snacks
(A large Dominos pizza you eat alone while mourning the death of a nation)
If you are sad because you accidentally got a human troll doll elected leader of the free world, you might sometimes want a snack to cheer yourself up. Kellyanne gets where you are coming from, so now you can buy her version of snacks.