I never thought I’d be someone on medication for depression and anxiety, but here I am. When my doctor first told me he thought I should be put on medication I had been sobbing in his office for 45 minutes and was asking for something to simply help me sleep. He’d seen this before though, and knew I needed something more than a sleeping pill.

“Sleeplessness is a side effect to depression.”

I hated that word. Depression. Every time he’d say it I could feel every muscle in my body tighten up. Not me, I thought, I cannot be depressed. Nonetheless, he convinced me to take the prescription, talk it over with my parents, and decide for myself. I sobbed the entire way home, rehearsing in my mind how I’d bring this up to my family when I had been pretending to be fine for so long. When they all got home from work I told them, and at that moment, they didn’t act all that surprised. Of course, there were concerns about addiction, withdrawal, and other side effects once I came off the medication, but there was also discussion about how it could help me get through the hard stuff that was to come in my recovery over the next few months and that I didn’t have to be on medication forever. So, I filled the prescription and started taking it that night.

A war was waged in my mind from that very first night of taking the medication. My mind was pulling itself further into the black abyss because now my secret was out, and I was officially on medication. I thought, Medication fixes problems which means one of two things: Either you have problems or you are a problem. I didn’t like either choice.

For the first couple of months I had to force myself to place the pill on my tongue, take a swig of water, and swallow. Every time I did it I swear I could feel the capsule moving through my body and landing in the pit of my stomach. I could feel it growing bigger and bigger in my stomach, and suddenly there wasn’t any room for anything else. I couldn’t eat or drink, and all I wanted was for my body to regurgitate the pill back up. REJECT, please! But that didn’t happen. So, instead, each day while eating breakfast, I stare down at the tiny capsule in my palm and think to myself: Just take the pill.

Here we are, one year later, and I still feel a sting of embarrassment when I drive through the CVS Pharmacy pick-up line, or when I fill out a medication list for another doctor. One year later and I still slowly open the pill bottle, stare inside, and force myself to take it. One year later and I still whisper to myself just take the pill.

But why? Here are the five things I repeat to myself when I'm struggling to just take the pill:

1. I am stronger than this medication, and the medication does not define me.

Needing to be on medication does not make me weak. In fact, it makes me strong. I am choosing to face my challenges, feelings, and recovery head on. That is strength.

I take the pill because I know I am stronger than the medication and that I am not labeled or defined by needing to be on medication.

2. There are people who love me and want me here.

I have a wonderful family who loves me and wants me around. They have been nothing but loving and supportive through everything. I take the pill because I want to be here, really here, for my two nephews and my niece. They deserve that. When I have no energy, am irritable, or my depression is getting the best of me and I can't move because I haven't taken my medication I cannot be present with them, and they do not deserve that.

3. I am not alone.

There are so many people struggling with depression, and so many who are on medication for it. Yes, all of our pain feels as if no one else could possibly understand because it is so personal and deeply rooted, but, at the very least, I am not the only one who is on medication to support my recovery. I take the pill because I am not alone, and all of us who are on medication deserve a chance to heal and feel better.

4. I was created for more than this.

God has a bigger plan for me than to lay in bed, unable to move. He wants more for me than to be dry heaving from sobbing so much. And, he definitely wants more for me than to be beating myself up for my mistakes for months and wishing I weren't even here anymore. I have a purpose, and I need to be here in order to fulfill that purpose. I take the pill because God created me for something greater than a life full of depression and sadness, and I am not finished yet.

5. This is temporary.

I probably won't have to be on medication for the rest of my life as the goal for my treatment is for this to help me get by the hardest parts of my recovery. However, even if I do end up being on medication for longer than I'd like, or for the rest of my life, then I know this pain is still temporary.

Just take the pill. It's time to win the war.

If you feel you are in a crisis, whether or not you are thinking about killing yourself, please call the Lifeline. People have called for help with substance abuse, economic worries, relationship and family problems, sexual orientation, illness, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and even loneliness.

No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

Don't feel like talking? Text "CONNECT" to 741741 to be connected with a trained crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line.