"Date the guy that shows up at your doorstep after you block him."
I recently saw the quote above as I was casually scrolling through Facebook, and I immediately felt sick to my stomach. It's a shame that in this day and age, people are still romanticizing troubling and obsessive behavior.
This past semester, I took an Introduction to Women's Studies course as a prerequisite for my then-major. I found it to be an extremely interesting class, but I found talking about gender violence to be difficult. Gender violence, which refers to street harassment, sexual assault, domestic abuse/violence, rape, incest and sexual harassment on the job, is extremely common in today's society, but it never truly gets the attention that it deserves.
Being in a class made up of about 15 women, it wasn't unusual for my professor to go around the room and ask for us to share our personal experiences with the topics being discussed. When we discussed domestic abuse, it was particularly uncomfortable for everyone in the room to talk about their past experiences. One girl, a senior, shared her story about how she was in an extremely abusive and violent relationship with her boyfriend at the time, but she stayed with him for almost a year because she was afraid that she was letting go of someone who truly loved her, even if he didn't show it in the best of ways.
As I read that quote on Facebook, I can't help but think back to that girl in my class, who will be celebrating her college graduation tomorrow afternoon.
Even in books like Fifty Shades of Grey or Twilight, obsessive behavior is seen has romantic and sexy, rather than what it actually is (creepy).
When people read those books, they are fooled into thinking that those are perfect examples of love, and they therefore feel compelled to stay in compromising relationships with people who have the potential to take advantage of them.
We live in a society where obsessive and stalker-like behavior is normalized. Young girls are taught that when a boy hits them, it's really because 'they like them.' We're taught to give in to men's relentless pursuits, and to always give the 'nice guys' a chance. I'm here to yell it loud and clear for everyone in the back, that it's wrong.
If you get into an argument with your significant other, and they relentlessly harass you until you feel obligated to respond, it's not romantic, it's obsessive. If your significant other is overly concerned with your whereabouts to the point that it makes you uncomfortable, it's a red flag. If your partner insults you, degrades you, questions your every move and/or has violent outbursts, it's not romantic, it's abuse.
How to we change this? Parents, educate your children on love. Teach them to never settle for less than what they deserve. Teach them about domestic violence. Teach them the warning signs, and remind them that you're always there for them in distressing situations. Teenagers, learn the warning signs. Learn the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship. If you recognize warning signs in your relationship, GET OUT. Don't feel bad about it, and don't stick around hoping that it'll get better.
I've watched too many close friends of mine suffer through bad relationships, and I've heard the, "But what if he really loves me?" answer far too many times. End the cycle. Know the facts. Don't date the guy that shows up at your doorstep after you block him, date the person that loves you for who you are and respects your boundaries.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don't stay silent. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for compassionate and confidential support. You are not alone.
