It's impossible to judge another person's struggles. What seems like an easy, simple task to one person can be another's nightmare. It's especially true for those like me who suffer from anxiety and depression. "Simple" tasks can quickly become overwhelming. Hell, there's days when just getting out of the house is too much. It's hard to explain to others why. Even if I do try to explain, it is generally dismissed as an excuse. Worse yet, I get a response like these:
"You're just being lazy."
"You just don't wanna do it."
"It's just (insert activity here)."
"It's not that hard. Why are you making it so difficult?"
"Just keep going. You're fine."
"Just stay positive."
"Quit thinking like that."
"Just calm down."
Of course, none of these things help . . .
Having invisible illnesses like depression and anxiety is just plain hard to understand for those who haven't experienced it first hand. It's not like you can explain to somebody everything that goes on in your head and how draining that can be. It's hard to understand because the struggles, the distractions, the inner battles, the frustration, the fear, the insecurities, and the bajillion other thoughts racing through your mind can't be seen or experienced outside of the person suffering.
That being said, I would like to try and give you a glimpse into my mind while I'm cleaning. Theoretically, this is an easy task. Pick up stuff. Throw it away if it's trash. If it's not, put it away. Vacuum. Sweep. End story. Sometimes, this is even the process I experience when I clean. On my good days, I actually enjoy cleaning and having the pride in a job well done and a clean space. That being said, those days aren't the usual. The usual goes something like this:
Try to find motivation to clean. Is it worth it? What's the point? I don't have company coming to visit anytime soon. No, I promised Jordan I'd get this done. Finally get up from couch. Look at mess. Wow, that's a lot of stuff. Where did this all come from? Omg, I'm a hoarder. I gotta get through all this. There's no way I need all this stuff. Maybe I do. Probably not. I don't know. I'll at least get all the trash picked out. I need a bag for the garbage. Grab grocery bag. Fills grocery bag with garbage. Dang it. I need a bigger bag. Grabs kitchen garbage bag. Should I empty the grocery bag garbage into the kitchen bag or just throw the whole thing in there? If I fill up the kitchen garbage bag, I could use the grocery bag and save myself a trip back upstairs. Why am i even debating this? Throws whole bag into garbage and starts going through stuff. I don't really need this. Throw it in the bag. Ponder the decision to throw that thing away for ten minutes. I might need it later. I'd regret throwing it away. I will use it at some point. Put it back. The pile of stuff isn't any smaller. It's been like an hour. WHY is this taking so long? I haven't even made a dent in this pile. I suck at this. I need to downsize. I can't. This is pointless. I'll just get the garbage off the floor and vacuum. Pick up garbage. Get ready to vacuum. Shit. Did I take my allergy pill today? Nope. Should I take it now or wait till I'm done? I'll forget if I wait. Go take allergy pill. It's already getting late. I'm never going to finish. I always do this. What's wrong with me? This is stupid. I don't have anyone to impress with a clean house. I don't have friends to come over. Nobody likes me enough to come hang out. I'll be a friendless loser forever. There is something wrong with me. Damn it, Cristal, focus! Check time. Just went on internal rant for fifteen minutes.
Think this was exhausting to read? Try walking around with that same nagging voice always in your head day in and day out. It's like having your worst enemy as a conscious, and they never shut up. It's like always having the devil on your shoulder telling you your worst fears, and an angel who comes and goes as they please. It's not just cleaning; it's cleaning while battling against my own worst enemy . . . me.
