Online Dating In The Modern World Is Far From Perfect, Proceed With Caution

Online Dating In The Modern World Is Far From Perfect, Proceed With Caution

“How about you give me head while we wait for your Alaskan pipeline to freeze” started flowing in (I don’t recommend looking that up).

Ladies, I get it. There are a lot of less than savory guys out there, many of whom pretend to be good, moral people. Well, at least up until the moment they either get in your pants or see that you aren’t interested in just a one-time thing.

That’s when ghosting usually kicks in. Trust me, it isn’t just you that has to put up with their actions. They’re the bane of my existence as well, and make life that much more complicated for all of us. Unfortunately, modern dating culture seems to give them a leg up in approaching you, causing you to have to put up with them more often, and guys like me to be judged based on their actions.

It’s no surprise that in a time as busy and fast-paced as the one we live in, people are turning to online dating rather than going out during the little free time they have to try and possibly meet someone that they may or may not click with at all. While that’s all well and good, there seems to be an issue innately inherent in this kind of dating.

What do OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, and even Grindr all have in common? The mechanic of swiping to help create matches and denote who you like and dislike. While this certainly is efficient and time-saving, it also causes very surface level judgments to be made.

The first thing that people see on these apps is your profile picture.

Immediately, whether consciously or unconsciously, users will make a split second judgment about you based purely on your looks.

Don’t really appeal to them and their particular preferences? Chances are, it’s an immediate left swipe. Look hotter than napalm being dropped on the surface of the sun? You are probably getting a right swipe and maybe even a super like.

Fall somewhere in between? Either a judgment call is made or, at this point, the person will actually bother to look at your profile and make a decision based on its contents.

Other than the fact that this leads to extremely shallow judgments, this culture also creates a breeding ground for douche bag guys with sex on the brain. These guys will swipe on nearly anyone their they think they can screw. To test this theory, a friend of mine even filled her bio with ridiculously off-putting nonsense to see if anyone would be deterred.

Instead, it just seemed to egg them on as messages of "I’m totally into bestiality too” and “How about I stop at Party City to pick up a clown custom on my way over to your place ;)” and disturbingly even “How about you give me head while we wait for your Alaskan pipeline to freeze” started flowing in (I don’t recommend looking that up).

It just showed that these guys will stop at nothing to get laid.

It’s not only sad but physically sickening to see the effects that one of these guys can have on a woman. Not only have I seen it in my friends, but also romantic interests that have talked to me about their past experiences. These guys take a woman’s trust and use it to their advantage, bending and twisting it until it snaps.

In some cases, they even take from a woman one of the most sacred things she has: her virginity. Even if the girl isn’t a virgin though, and one of these guys manipulates her into sleeping with him, that can still be extremely damaging.

It can leave her feeling violated, used, and like she is only worth what her body can do.

These women suffer hit after hit to their self-esteem and often even start to question their own worth as a human. These guys can cause women to question everything about any future man that shows interest in them and make them wonder if the next guy is just like all the others.

So what impact does this have on guys like me? Obviously, I am certainly not the victim here, women in general are. However, often I’m unfortunately assumed to be a sex-crazed guy, simply because I am a guy. The number of times that I’ve heard the phrase, “You are just going to ghost me like everyone else” literally breaks my heart.

The fact of the matter is, I don’t ghost anyone ever, and I certainly don’t use girls for sex. This may surprise a lot of people, but I’m not really too interested in sex at all, at least not until well into a relationship. Emotional connections are what matter to me the most.

And no, I’m not gay, I’m not asexual, and I’m not a freak, I just truly believe that sex should be used to strengthen bonds made by emotional connections, not used to create those bonds. So until there are any bonds to strengthen, I’m not interested.

I’m also not the only guy that thinks this way. Though it may not seem that way at times, there are a ton of us out there. The issue is that other guys with impure intentions imitate us, trying to pretend long enough to gain the very trust they seek to abuse. Due to this, us actually good guys are very rarely given a chance.

Now, I’m not claiming to be perfect, or that any other guy is either. Everyone makes mistakes and has there flaws, I have more than I could possibly count myself. But the one thing I can say is this: ladies, there are guys out there like me that will not abuse your trust or set out to hurt you.

While you should always be cautious who you trust, also be willing to give us a chance, and don’t make snap judgments about all guys based on the many pricks out there. I swear, some of us really do have good intentions.

Cover Image Credit: @couplegoals

Popular Right Now

How to Break Up With a Guy

Without Being Too Mean

It's not you. No, no, it's definitely him. But nobody wants to be the bad guy, we consulted some top dating experts for advice on breaking up with minimal drama and heartache.

Step 1: Take Responsibility

Maybe he's a two-timing jerk. Maybe you're a two-timing jerk. Or maybe he's just mind-numbingly boring. Whatever the reason, you need to tell him. Dragging things out only exacerbates the problem. You wouldn't want a guy to waste your time, so don't waste his.

Step 2: Plan Ahead

Lay the groundwork for a smooth breakup. Relationship coach Mitchel Fink recommends lining up a new place to live pre-breakup if you're living with your boyfriend. If you've got your own place but tend to leave things behind at his, "start removing it before the breakup," she says. "If he's borrowed stuff, make an excuse to ask for it back."

Write off little stuff like your toothbrush and old CDs. If he offers to return it, great, but it's not worth the drama.

One final consideration: If your guy's got a violent temper, bring friends with you when you get your stuff later.

Step 3: Stage the Scene of the Crime

It is not cool to dump someone by text, email, IM or Twitter. Who are you, Joe Jonas? "It always has to be in person if you have had over five or six dates," says Brad Berkowitz, author of "The 21st Century Guide to Bachelorhood."

So what's the ideal place for dropping the hammer? Lure him to a public place that's quiet, such as a park or a cafe, suggests dating writer Melissa Braverman of Single Gal in the City. "This makes it easier to keep the conversation from dragging on and limits the potential for a big scene. Sit across from him, not beside him, to communicate that you stand firm in your decision."

Make plans with a friend for an hour after you meet your guy, so you have an excuse to leave. And avoid breaking up at home, where you run the risk of a dramatic scene in which he refuses to leave (or pulls a Kenley and throws a cat at you).

Step 4: Keep It Short (If Not Sweet)

Nobody wants to use those trite sentiments ("I really need to focus on me right now"), but brutal honesty ("I'm hooking up with the hot intern at work") won't earn you any points either. Acknowledge that you care about him, but be firm when you explain that it's not working out. Skip the blame game -- it doesn't matter, and you'll only encourage a back-and-forth debate or him trying to rationalize his way out of singlehood.

Adds Braverman, "Give him the opportunity to express his feelings, but don't allow the conversation to go on for more than an hour. A protracted goodbye will only mislead him into thinking he still has a chance with you. Respect yourself and him enough to make a graceful exit."

Wear a velvet glove when blowing off a nice guy, but forget it when it comes to dumping a dirtbag -- he may try to charm (aka manipulate) you into staying. "Tell the dude 'Your bed has become too crowded to include me.' Leave him scratching his head. No drama -- over and out!" says relationship expert Dr. Stella Painfree

Don't let yourself get over-emotional or over-detailed -- just be firm that it's not working for you anymore. And make it clear that your decision is final: "I just don't think we should be together right now" or waffling makes him think he's still got a chance.

Speaking of weakness, do not have breakup sex. Yes, we know, it's the only good thing about a breakup. It's also rarely good (too much weeping), loaded with mixed signals, and essentially a pity lay.

Step 5: Have a 24-Hour Plan

There's no reason to rush ahead into a friendship with your ex. You both need time to heal. Avoid places that the two of you used to frequent as a couple, or anywhere you might run into him. If you start to feel down in the dumps and like you've just thrown away your only chance of love, Dawn Masler-Ranish, author of "The Broken Picker Fixer", suggests finding a retreat buddy -- "a girlfriend you agree to call when you feel lonely and are tempted to reach for a man-daid."

If mutual friends are involved, ask him how he wants to handle the situation -- would he prefer to announce the bad news first? Be aware that friends often feel forced to take sides, so be honest with them and avoid dissing your ex.

Finally, avoid the usual broken-heart Facebook trauma by simply hiding your status or deleting it from your page, and resist the urge to leave status updates about him. Detox your page and your home by taking down lovey-dovey photos; casual, travel or party photos can stay up. Consider deleting him as your Facebook friend for the time being. It may sound harsh, but you'll feel better without the temptation to cyberstalk his profile.

Tell Us: Have you ever broken up with a guy and had it go really badly? Got any pointers? We want details!

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

An Open Letter To The Boy Who Made Me Feel Worthless

You broke me and tore me down until I was nothing.

You know who you are.

To this day, you still deny the fact that anything you did was wrong.

You made me feel like I was the only girl in you world. You made me feel like I was everything and all to you... in the beginning.

These feelings faded away quickly when you let your ego get in the way of our relationship. You hated me within weeks of us being together, you made me go behind my parents' backs, belittled me, and abused me mentally.

But with this being said, what gives? Why did I stay with you for so long if you did all of these bad things to me and never felt remorse for any of it?

It's because of love. I loved you, but you did not love me back.

Love blinded me of the ways that you made me feel, it blinded me of the words that you used every time words came out of your mouth, it blinded me of the way that you treated my friends and family, it blinded me of the way that you treated me...

I don't hate you. No, I don't. I thought I did hate you. I thought to myself that you were the worst thing that has ever happened to me and that you were a sick and cruel human being. But I can't hate you. Why? Because you were consequently the first person I ever imagined a future with. You were the first guy who ever loved me. The first guy who ever gave me the attention that I oh-so always crave. I forgive you, but I hope that the next girl you're with doesn't get the same treatment that I did. Maybe one day you'll realize that you were in the wrong and you can't get everything in life your way.

But, here I am... still wondering to this day why you did these things to me? What was the give? What was the takeaway? To break my heart and make me numb? Because I can promise you that you did that to me. I can promise you that you made me feel worthless.

I know that you might think that I hate you, but like I said... I don't. I just want people to know what you did to me and how love blinds people. I loved the memories and time we had together (for the most part) because you made me the happiest I'd ever been. But, it was time for the abuse and the dominance to be taken out of my life, as much as I did love you.

Cover Image Credit: Ali Yahya

Related Content

Facebook Comments