Society in this day and age focuses so much on looks and how women should dress and present themselves. A large number of the people we are supposed to look up to and idolize all share a very slender body style and specific clothing items to accent their slim waist and thighs. And I’m not saying this is bad or that I’m hating on skinny women. I just think we need a more realistic spectrum of how women look.

I have always been heavier than most of the girls I grew up with. I haven’t always been what society might deem as “fat,” but I have looked at those around me and noticed that I have a much stockier build. It would upset me when I would have to give my weight for gym class or any of the sports I played only to hear my friends all say a number over 30 pounds less than me. The thing is I didn’t feel big. I didn’t ever feel ashamed of my body until I was forced to acknowledge my weight and the differences in my body style. And I don’t think there is ever going to be a part of me that doesn’t look at myself and worry about how I look.

In high school, I would consider myself fit. I had a very muscular body. However, I looked different from most around me. I have very large hips and large breasts that attracted the unwanted attention of boys. I also had extremely large thighs from all the muscle I built up from playing soccer. Never in my life have I had a flat stomach or six-pack abs, no matter how much or how hard I worked out. I just don’t think my genetics or my body worked the same as other people.

Looking at myself now, I know that I seem like I “let myself go.” I’m no longer as active as I used to be and I knew that my muscle was turning into fat. I knew I was gaining weight. However, I tried not to think about it and tried to continue a healthy lifestyle. I didn’t want to look at myself and hate what I saw. And I actually didn’t hate myself. I hated the image of me that people would be judging. Oh, you think I’ve gotten really fat? Well, you also don’t know how I work out every other day and yet nothing changes. Maybe it’s from me sitting and eating late at night watching TV? You also don’t know how I worked two or three jobs at a time and the only chance I had to eat was when I finally got home at almost midnight.

I always had my insecurities, but they didn’t become a reality to me until I overheard people making comments on me being large. Or when I heard one of my “friends” make a joke under her breath about my weight. Those remarks started eating away at me and made me become highly aware of how people viewed me, and that it wasn’t in a positive light. And it’s extremely hard for me to look at pictures from my past and know that people thought negatively about me then, so what must they think of me now that I’m heavier?

I still struggle with the worry of how people see me, especially now that I’ve met a ton of new people at college. Do they see the real me? Or are they making their judgment of me? In all honesty, I know that my mind is probably making everything out to be more than what it is. A majority of the time, people are more concerned with my name just being two letters than however much I weigh. But I think there is something in a female mindset that prevents us from seeing the positives when we look at ourselves.

I’ve noticed the attention from guys has decreased, which is great, but at the same time, a part of me blames it on how I look rather than guys knowing that I’m taken. And I know that I haven’t given them much to look at, but I never have. I’ve always dressed comfortably in a T-shirt and soccer shorts or sweatpants and I hardly ever wore makeup. So maybe that’s the reason because I was surrounded by girls who made an effort to dress up every day for class. (Props to those women, I don’t know how you do it.) But that small thought that it was because I was getting fat ruined any chance of me thinking otherwise.

And I thought that I had a handle on my body image issues, but now that I’m getting married in less than two months, I constantly look at myself through the eyes of everyone at the ceremony that will see me in my dress. Don’t get me wrong, the dress made me feel absolutely beautiful, even at my size. I just can’t shake the comments and the looks I’ve gotten before and it’s not what I want to see when I’m walking down the aisle, or see captured in photos. I don’t want to worry about what my husband will think of me when he sees me for the first time. Will it be magical? Or will he be comparing me to the girl he started dating? The one he took to prom four times? You know, the skinnier version?

The saddest thing about my struggle with body issues is that it didn’t stem from any view I had on myself. It was whole-heartedly influenced by what those close to me said or the looks they gave me. Once I began to notice them, I became self-conscious about how everyone else viewed me. I was actually way more concerned on whether or not they ever got to truly know me, or if the way I looked made them not bother. I know it’s mostly incorrect and that I should be giving more people credit than what I am, but I’m just being honest. I think people with body issues struggle with trying to get those ideas out of their head.

And it’s not just an issue for larger people. I know some girls who have been naturally skinny all their life and they’d like to add a little weight, but nothing they do makes a difference. Their body just operates different and usually has an extremely high metabolism. And then there are the women who were larger and have lost a lot of weight but still face the looks and comments from those who don’t know her backstory. And men face these issues, as well, but no one really wants to talk about their side of things. However, I can’t make any comments on that because I only know firsthand what it’s like from a woman’s perspective.

Women and men of all shapes and sizes deal with their issues, and I really want to say that that’s okay, but it’s not. I wish I had the answer to make everyone love the way they look and to not constantly be concerned with it. But I don’t. I’m in the same boat paddling towards a different image of what I want to be. However, I think I need to just shut my brain up for two seconds and continue loving who I am. I think I need to start viewing myself like a blind person would. How I look doesn’t matter, what matters is the way I treat people and how my personality is. I think I’m an incredible person. I’m hardworking, dedicated, creative, smart, and laid-back.

I’m so many things other than my body shape or my weight. I’m a human being trying to be herself and find happiness in the world, and the best place for me to start looking for it is within me.