Instagram: A Social Media Epidemic

Instagram: A Social Media Epidemic

A satire displaying our undying need for acceptance.
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"Teen Girl Misses Peak Instagram Hours, Suffers Heart Attack"

ANN ARBOR- On February 13th at approximately 6:30 p.m., Abby Franks, a 19-year-old University of Michigan student, suffered a severe heart attack following her failure to upload a photograph to the social media app called Instagram.

Franks was headed home for the holidays and was awaiting Flight 1225 back to Chicago. Witnesses noticed that Franks was enthralled in her phone, but decided that it wasn’t anything important.

“I was uploading a picture to Instagram,” Franks told ABC News reporter Brittany Koss. “Last night, I went to a Beanies & Bikinis party and I took the hottest photo with my sorority sisters. I was just trying to show my 1334 followers how good I looked.”

Franks carefully adjusted the brightness to make her eyes unnaturally blue and the saturation to color her skin a healthy shade of orange. The Valencia filter and the caption: “spring break ready, lol,” ensured that her frat star crush would be impressed.

However, something went terribly wrong.

As Franks moved her freshly polished finger over to the "share" button, her iPhone6 screen went blank.

“All that I saw was the girl clutching her chest and wheezing,” noted Michigan junior Matt McClure. “I would’ve helped her, but I was trying to choose a filter for my flex pic. Defining my bicep curves was the number one priority at the moment.”

Paramedics rushed to tend to the teen who was lying unconscious on the airport floor. She was transported by ambulance to Mercy hospital after refusing to allow a medic to touch her phone in between gasps.

While struggling to breathe into the oxygen mask, she demanded her phone charger from her Louis Vuitton suitcase next to the driver. After one of the medics handed it to her to silence her, she ordered him to plug it into the electrical outlet.

“I tried to tell her that the only outlet was occupied by the cord to her oxygen mask,” EMT Jason Confer, 31, told reporters. “She continued to be a flat out b*tch and started to violently kick her feet and move her arms.”

After Franks came to terms with the fact that there were no available outlets for her to charge her phone, she demanded that he call an electrician to install one.

“She wouldn’t shut up. At one point I considered unplugging her mask,” Confer admitted.

“I was afraid that I was going to miss peak Instagram hours. I needed as many likes on that picture as I could possibly get and I wasn’t going to let a stupid heart attack stop me," Franks noted from her hospital bed.

Franks underwent coronary angioplasty when she arrived at Mercy because of the severity of the attack.

As a result, Franks has received a plethora of condolences. She, however, isn’t satisfied.

“Nobody can fix the fact that I no longer have the prime opportunity to upload my picture,” she stated. “Sure, they can slap a few bandages on my heart, but they’ll never be able to turn back time.”

Updates on Franks’ follower count are to be reported at a later date.

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College As Told By Junie B. Jones

A tribute to the beloved author Barbara Parks.
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The Junie B. Jones series was a big part of my childhood. They were the first chapter books I ever read. On car trips, my mother would entertain my sister and me by purchasing a new Junie B. Jones book and reading it to us. My favorite part about the books then, and still, are how funny they are. Junie B. takes things very literally, and her (mis)adventures are hilarious. A lot of children's authors tend to write for children and parents in their books to keep the attention of both parties. Barbara Park, the author of the Junie B. Jones series, did just that. This is why many things Junie B. said in Kindergarten could be applied to her experiences in college, as shown here.

When Junie B. introduces herself hundreds of times during orientation week:

“My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don't like Beatrice. I just like B and that's all." (Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, p. 1)

When she goes to her first college career fair:

"Yeah, only guess what? I never even heard of that dumb word careers before. And so I won't know what the heck we're talking about." (Junie B. Jones and her Big Fat Mouth, p. 2)

When she thinks people in class are gossiping about her:

“They whispered to each other for a real long time. Also, they kept looking at me. And they wouldn't even stop." (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 66)

When someone asks her about the library:

“It's where the books are. And guess what? Books are my very favorite things in the whole world!" (Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, p. 27)

When she doesn't know what she's eating at the caf:

“I peeked inside the bread. I stared and stared for a real long time. 'Cause I didn't actually recognize the meat, that's why. Finally, I ate it anyway. It was tasty...whatever it was." (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 66)

When she gets bored during class:

“I drew a sausage patty on my arm. Only that wasn't even an assignment." (Junie B. Jones Loves Handsome Warren, p. 18)

When she considers dropping out:

“Maybe someday I will just be the Boss of Cookies instead!" (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 76)

When her friends invite her to the lake for Labor Day:

“GOOD NEWS! I CAN COME TO THE LAKE WITH YOU, I BELIEVE!" (Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy, p. 17)

When her professor never enters grades on time:

“I rolled my eyes way up to the sky." (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 38)

When her friends won't stop poking her on Facebook:


“Do not poke me one more time, and I mean it." (Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy, p. 7)

When she finds out she got a bad test grade:

“Then my eyes got a little bit wet. I wasn't crying, though." (Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, p. 17)

When she isn't allowed to have a pet on campus but really wants one:

“FISH STICK! I NAMED HIM FISH STICK BECAUSE HE'S A FISH STICK, OF COURSE!" (Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy, p. 59)

When she has to walk across campus in the dark:

“There's no such thing as monsters. There's no such thing as monsters." (Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed, p. 12)

When her boyfriend breaks her heart:

“I am a bachelorette. A bachelorette is when your boyfriend named Ricardo dumps you at recess. Only I wasn't actually expecting that terrible trouble." (Junie B. Jones Is (almost) a Flower Girl, p. 1)

When she paints her first canvas:


"And painting is the funnest thing I love!" (Junie B. Jones and her Big Fat Mouth, p. 61)

When her sorority takes stacked pictures:

“The biggie kids stand in the back. And the shortie kids stand in the front. I am a shortie kid. Only that is nothing to be ashamed of." (Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed, p. 7)

When she's had enough of the caf's food:

“Want to bake a lemon pie? A lemon pie would be fun, don't you think?" (Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed p. 34)

When she forgets about an exam:

“Speechless is when your mouth can't speech." (Junie B. Jones Loves Handsome Warren, p. 54)

When she finds out she has enough credits to graduate:

“A DIPLOMA! A DIPLOMA! I WILL LOVE A DIPLOMA!" (Junie B. Jones is a Graduation Girl p. 6)

When she gets home from college:

"IT'S ME! IT'S JUNIE B. JONES! I'M HOME FROM MY SCHOOL!" (Junie B. Jones and some Sneaky Peaky Spying p. 20)

Cover Image Credit: OrderOfBooks

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The Lazy Girl's Guide To The Gym

Also, everything else you should know if you're a slightly out-of-shape girl (like me).

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With my freshman year coming to an end, I realized a lot of things. I made new friends, I found new hobbies, and I learned a lot of lessons. One of them being that the "Freshman 15" is very real and very scary.

While my friends and family have attempted multiple times to convince me that I'm just being dramatic (I am), I still want to make a change in my lifestyle or I will, in all seriousness, be on track to the "Sophomore 20".

Here is a list of my best gym and healthy lifestyle tips that I am slowly attempting to live by this summer in order to resurrect Emily's 18-year-old body and health.

1. Increase water intake.

2. Find a gym buddy.

3. Start off with cardio.

4. Don't stop on your cardio until you're dripping in sweat.

5. Chug a LOT of water an hour before the gym.

Do not do it right before, or you will be in pain.

6. Eat light beforehand but just enough to hold you over. 

7. Plan out what your routine will be BEFORE you get there.

My routine: Elliptical for a mile, Stairmaster for 10 minutes, ab HIIT workout for 10 minutes, 5 more minutes on Stairmaster.

8. Buy healthy foods while you're feeling motivated.

9. Find a gym that isn't too far from your house. 

10. Don't get mad at yourself if you don't see results in a day.

I know this is a hard one.

11. Try fitness classes. 

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