One of the biggest things that I struggle with is looking in the mirror. Although I don't think that my outer appearance is what determines how I view myself, in some ways, that does a play a huge role. When I chose to wake up an hour earlier than I need to just to put on make-up or choose an outfit, it's not for anyone else's satisfaction, but mine. Even if it takes an additional 30 minutes to perfect my eyeliner, fill in my eyebrows, apply mascara, and decide whether I want to put on eyeshadow or wear lipstick, it's the effort I'm willing to put in. Wearily getting up from the comfort of my bed to put in that extra effort, to feel good and look good can make honestly make or break my attitude for the rest of the day. Think of it as giving yourself a boost of confidence. Yes, it is crucial and no, I'm not crazy.
Even finding a shirt that doesn't make me feel like Shamu the whale and finding pants that aren't suffocating my legs, can almost be impossible at times. Tugging at my shirt every so often and pulling up my pants has become an annoying habit that I yearn to break. Going through most of my drawers and closet with a result of all of my clothes scattered on my bed (and sometimes the floor) is sometimes all it takes to feel discouraged throughout day. So I apologize Mom, for the messy room, it's not my ideal choice, I swear.
When I'm standing at 4 feet and 11 inches, my insecurities over my height doesn't exactly help out my predicament. I can't find a shirt that doesn't look like a dress on me and I can't find (comfortable) pants that I don't have to fold up. The sleeves of my jackets are too long and all I want is to find something to wear (yes, it's that hard). So then what? It's back to an old over sized T-shirt and leggings. Comfort: it's essential.
The thing is, none of these feelings are new, and I've dealt with this for as long as I can remember. The feelings have never changed and my insecurities always get the best of me. Being this honest and vulnerable puts me in an even more cautious state about outside perceptions. It's like, who's opinion do I care more about? My own or other people's? But that's a whole different story for a different time.
As much as I wish it were true, my clothes don't hide my shame or embarrassment and my makeup doesn't hide my exhaustion. I don't wish to live in a state of discomfort or frustration, but wishing for change is a lot easier than implementing it.
Of course, positivity is always the way to go and change is just beyond the horizon. But in reality, positivity is not always in plain sight and change can feel like a million miles away. It's not just plain and simple for everyone, and it definitely isn't for me. It's a process in learning how to embrace the features that I don't like about myself and it's a process that takes time. I know that I can't hide from mirrors and I can't just turn my self-doubt into self-love in the blink of an eye because through my eyes. Through my eyes, it's a different story, a different perspective and in a different mirror. We all look into different mirrors, and this is the one I'm forced to face. And that is the absolute best part of it all. The part where I get to choose who I see in the mirror, not anyone else.
