Okay, here we go. I need to psych myself up to sit through this. I will not fidget, disturb others, and will be completely supportive. I am totally going to pay attention to everyone who talks. Graduation speakers always give such great life advice.
Oh, look how cute they are walking in wearing their caps and gowns! They grow up so fast! They're all properly lined up too. Nice work, teachers.
Why are all these girls in ten inch heels? Do they know that this is an event where people watch their every move? Don't trip, don't trip, don't trip. Wow, not one of those girls tripped. What kind of witchcraft is this?!
Oh, neat! The program lists where they're all going to go for college. Hey, she's going to my school! And so is he, and... ten other people! :MOM! LOOK! LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE GO- Okay, okay! Fine, I'll be quiet! Jeez." You won't see me sharing my excitement with you ever again.
Maybe I should try to introduce myself to them. They may want advice or tips for their first year. I could tell them to add me on Facebook and we could all be friends and hang out next semester and study together! Nope, nope. Took that too far and now it's creepy. Yeah, I'm really creepy.
Wait, who's speaking now? What's going on? Where are we in the program? How long have I been sitting here?
How did I miss three speakers? Oh well. The valedictorian is next, and that is always interesting, I guess. Gross, they look accomplished. I think I see six different cords from where I'm sitting, show-off. Yeah, good luck in college.
Please make a joke already, we understand that you're so grateful for all your opportunities. Honestly, just say anything insightful. Stop repeating yourself in different words and say somethi-. . . eh. Not a bad pun, not a great one either. But remember, parents will laugh at anything when they're dealing with emotions about being empty nesters. You have a lot to learn, young grasshopper.
Can someone please, for the love of all that is good and holy, read out the names already? I'm so bored and done with you people talking to me. I came here to see some high schoolers becoming graduates, not listen to you blabber! Oh no, Mom is side eyeing me. QUICK, PRETEND TO PAY ATTENTION.
Oh thank goodness, they're beginning to walk across the stage. Now, where is my (sibling, friend, or other relative) in the line? All the way at the end, are you kidding? No, stay positive! Graduation is a wonderful event that marks a turning point in life and I should be more supportive. Besides, being at the end builds up the suspense. Yes, I'll try to believe that because the pace they're walking at is unbelievable.
My (sibling, friend, or other relative) is coming up. I should yell and cheer really loudly because I want to embarrass them and because I love them. However, I don't think Mom would have a problem with leaving me here if I'm obnoxious. She's giving me her "don't even think about it" look, which means I could definitely be left here tonight.
Worth it.
All the kids have walked across the stage, so we can leave now right? They're all taking selfies so I'm assuming it's over. Why is that person walking up to the podium? What are they doing? Are they giving another speech? NO. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS.
Now, it has to be over. All the students are filing out of the auditorium in not-as-organized lines, sloppy. Or maybe it's just the first step of transforming into the disorganized college student. I'm going to pretend it's that. Why are there so many people here? Everyone should leave so we can find my (sibling/friend/other relative). It's a lot harder to find them in this sea of caps and gowns than I thought. Wait, no, there they are! FAMILY, ATTACK THEM WITH LOVE AND HUGS!
Can we go home and eat cake now?
Congratulations to the Class of 2015, and a shout out to my little brother whose graduation was the inspiration for this. I couldn't have done it without you (forcing me to go sit through your graduation)!
