Number one on my list of New Year's resolutions: "Start putting yourself first."
For a long time, I struggled with this concept. Doesn’t that seem selfish? Isn’t that the complete opposite of what we have been encouraged to do while growing up? Yes, and yes. We have been trained our whole lives to put others first, and to give all we have to offer. While caring so strongly for others is an incredibly admirable trait, constantly making other people’s happiness a priority compromises our own.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I do think it is very important to try to contribute to other people’s happiness; there is no greater feeling than knowing you impacted someone in a positive way. The second it makes me feel like I am losing myself is the very second I start to have a problem. Giving and giving until you have nothing left, just to please someone else, is not healthy. By no means should someone else’s happiness ever take away from your own.
For me, the idea of putting others before myself manifested as a problem in my early high school years. I realized I was putting effort into relationships without much in return. I offered (to those who needed it) a shoulder to cry on, advice at any given time (even at 2 a.m. when I knew I had to wake up early), and undivided attention whenever they needed someone to listen. I was happy to help; I loved that I could be there for them. Whenever I needed someone to be there for me, I found very few people who would do the same, especially with sincerity. This created a pattern of unhealthy relationships in which I would give endlessly, only to find that I could not rely on them to do the same. I felt taken for granted, and rather unloved. How could I possibly care so much for someone and not have the feeling returned? Each and every time I needed support and couldn't find it, I became more cognizant of the unhealthy relationships I was investing in. My consistent concern for others was subverting my own happiness.
I am not saying you should ever expect anything in return when giving to others; what I am saying is that you should know what you deserve, and know when to walk away from something that is not contributing to your personal happiness or growth. Constantly putting others before yourself can lead to one-way relationships in which you may feel like your personal needs are not being satisfied.
My advice: don’t settle. If people can’t be there for you the way you are for them, step back. If they are hurting you more than helping you, walk away. If they can’t love you the way you love them, move on.
Put yourself first. Remove negative factors from your life, and don’t be afraid to walk away from anyone or anything that isn’t helping you grow.
While it’s great to care for others, caring for yourself is imperative. So, yes, maybe it is selfish. But maybe it’s OK to be selfish. All I’m saying is that if you’re happy, you’re clearly doing something right.
