I'm Sure My Mom Was Beautiful, But I Don't Remember Her
Relationships

I'm Sure My Mom Was Beautiful, But I Don't Remember Her

One of the worst feelings is to miss something when you don't know what you're missing.

867
Iara Vivas

I like to think that part of me remembers her, that somehow my one-year-old self-kept something in my subconscious and that at any given time I will remember. But I haven't remembered anything, and I don't think I will.

When people ask about my mom, I'm very open about the fact that she passed away when I was little. I get the typical response, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and my answer usually goes like, "It's OK, I don't really remember her" which is true, but I do wish I remembered. And that is the part that I keep to myself. I don't keep it to myself because it's a secret, but because I don't think you'd understand.

I see pictures and hear stories about her and for a moment I feel like I kind of know who she was. It makes me feel close to her. In a way, it makes me feel closer to myself. I don't know what it is about her, but I love her even though I don't know who she really was.

One of the worst feelings is to miss something when you don't know what you're missing. That is how I feel about losing my mom. I don't know what it could've been. I don't know if we would've gotten along well or fought all the time. Or if we would've been similar people or if we would've been completely different worlds. I don't even know where I would be if she was still alive. It's sort of like when a relationship ends too soon and you're left to wonder what it could've been. The only difference is that this relationship is one of the most important ones in a human's life.

Sometimes I wish I had dreams about her, but I don't and I don't recall ever having any. It makes me feel like her existence wasn't real. Kind of like she is a made up character in a movie, a movie that I don't recall. The thing is that I'm part of that movie and I don't even know most of my background story. I know I could ask more about her to my family, but it's not the same.

Instead, all I have is an agenda, pictures, stories and a couple of her necklaces --and that is not enough. It makes me wonder what it could've been but wasn't. It doesn't make me sad that she's not here, it makes me curious. It makes me wonder and want to know more about her. I think at times that maybe along the way I'll find a little of myself in her.

I also wonder how hard it must've been for my dad and how devastating it must've been for him to look me in the eye after she was gone. I look so much like her and I must've reminded him of my mom all the time. Maybe my dad sees a little of her in me, maybe it gives him comfort to know that she left something behind. But we don't talk about it. Things go unspoken as they have in the past.

The day she parted we all lost someone in my family: a sister, a daughter, a wife, a cousin, a friend. But I lost my mom and while I might tell you that it's no longer a big deal, it still is and it will always be. A part of where I come from is gone and while it does not make me sad, it's not as easy as I might say it is.

So yes, I'm sure my mother was beautiful, but I can only see that through pictures, because I don't remember.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Swoon

I Started Dating A Guy Before Quarantine, But Now We Rarely Speak Unless I Double-Text

"He's really nice and cute and I like being around him when we see each other, but he's awful at communication."

Each week Swoonie B will give her advice on anonymous topics submitted by readers. Want to Ask Swoonie B something related to dating and relationships? Fill out this form here — it's anonymous.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

This Is Exactly What You Should Eat Today In Quarantine, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

You've probably been eating it the past three months,

If we added up all the minutes of my life I've stood in front of the fridge or pantry mindlessly glazing over options, it would probably amount to several years longer than I'd care to admit.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

If You Don't Think People Are Legitimately Scared To Stay In Lockdown, Think Again

People are terrified of what could happen if states stay in lockdown too long.

Coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to be the topic of discussion for most U.S. residents. From federal reopening guidelines to individual state timelines, the country is all over the place. This sparks conversations within the news, social media, and in family homes about the consequences of reopening the country incorrectly.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

If You Don't Think People Are Legitimately Scared To Reopen States, You're Not Looking Hard Enough

People are terrified of what could happen if states begin reopening too early.

Coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to be the topic of discussion for most U.S. residents. From federal reopening guidelines to individual state timelines, the country is all over the place. This sparks conversations within the news, social media, and in family homes about the consequences of reopening the country incorrectly.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Feel A Lil' Better: Because You Need To Stretch It Out

Your weekly wellness boost from Odyssey.

No matter how good (or bad) you'd describe your health, one thing is for sure: a little boost is ALWAYS a good idea. Whether that's reading a new, motivating book, or listening to a song that speaks to your soul, there are plenty of resources to help your health thrive on any given day.

Flexibility is an important part of life. Yes, you need to be able to go with the flow and adjust when needed, but literal, physical flexibility is equally handy. Not only does increased flexibility keep you safe from injury each time you work out, but a good stretch session is incredibly soothing after a long day. Your body goes through a lot! It needs to cool down and get loose after all the activities you put it through.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

5 Amazing Things That Happened To Me When I Took Just A Week Off From Social Media

I've taken one-week off social media, and here's what I learned.


You’ll think clearer.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments