I am sorry I don’t love you right. I am sorry for all of the hate that I have inflicted on you. I wish I could take it back and say I am sorry, but I can't.
Sometimes I can’t help putting other people first, that is just who I am. I want those in my life to know that I love them so much that I often forget about them, and sometimes I just do not know how to show you my love. Sometimes I don’t know how to show you anything but the hatred I feel. The hatred comes and goes, just as the tide changes, may it be deep or shallow, and it is always kind of there.
There is no way to make up for all of the things I have done to you. Throwing insults at you constantly, making you always doubt yourself. It is just how society has shaped me to act; I wish this were not the case. I know I shouldn’t blame the world for my actions but sometimes there isn’t anyone else to blame.
Everyday I try to learn how to love you better, to put you first, only focus on you, but as I grow older this get increasingly harder. You are not what society expects, your thighs are a little too big, your stomach just not tight enough, the marks on your legs showing how imperfect you really are.
The boy you like just doesn’t feel the same way and that is something you just have to deal with. You are not going to win a boy with looks; you need to find a way for them to get to know you. They might talk to you because you’re friends are prettier and they want them instead, well you know what? You just have to move on because they don’t want you.
I wish I could tell you how to talk to people without making them or yourself uncomfortable or even without annoying them. It probably is the reason you had such a hard time in middle school or even when you were younger in the kids club where the one girl you wanted to be friends with told you to stop following her because you were so weird. I know that things like these that happened years ago affect you still, but you need to do better. You are supposed to be an adult, don’t let those childish fears affect you.
One day you are going to have to accept that you will never be apart of the “cool” group or have lots of friends, its just not who you are and I am sorry for that because I shaped that. You can pretend that you don’t have a lot of friends just because you’re so close with you family, but you need to stop lying to yourself, most people just don’t like you.
I wish that I hadn’t created all of this self-doubt in you, but I can’t help it I don’t love you the way that I should. I have nothing but hatred for you, as much as I try to get the tide to go down, I feel like I am treading in the deep seas rather than relaxing at shore. Maybe one day I will love you.
