I am that girl who is always the single friend in the girl group and the one who never seems to ever have a boyfriend.

I have had friends tell me that I am too picky and that I need to just put myself out there and be open to anyone. I have nodded my head and genuinely listened to their advice, but my brain will not shut up. What is really going on in my head is this:

Is it so wrong to just hold on to my standards? To wait for the guy to come up to me and make the first move? Then, there is this one thought that rings so loudly, it is hard to concentrate on breathing.

I'm terrified.

I tell myself and anyone willing to listen that I’m just old fashioned and prefer the guy to make the first move, to show that he is interested but honestly, dating scares the hell out of me. I’ll be the first to whine about how I wish I had someone that could be there for me 24/7 and how nice it would be to have a date on Friday night instead of ending up on the couch watching Gilmore Girls for the gazillionth time while stuffing strawberry ice cream in my face. I’ll also be the first one to full-on freak out if a guy is even remotely interested in me, to the point that I will be a big ball of nerves and every waking thought will be “Oh my god I hope he doesn’t text me!” I will be so nervous it will make me sick.

That still doesn’t stop me from wanting a man to think of me affectionately and want to be around me and love me. Getting to that point though is terrifying to me. I have spent the last nineteen years, which is my entire existence on planet earth, single as a freaking pringle and every year that passes that I don’t meet that guy that finally gets me to open up is another year that this shell of mine clamps down tighter.

I want a soulmate, I want a partner in life, and I want so desperately to push down these feelings that rise up in a giant tidal wave of panic whenever I am close to getting what I want.

All I ask of him is to please be patient, be kind, and don’t get frustrated with me because I promise you, I am trying. I really am. It may look like I am pushing you away and you might be thinking, “she really isn’t into me, is she?” I am. I just honestly need a good kick in the ass for letting any potential love get away because I can’t get over myself or my fear. I need reassurance.

I know you're out there, I'm here.

I’m the scared one over in the corner behind her friends who are all loved up. Yes, I’m the one who is pretending you don’t exist and avoiding your gaze. Come up to me and introduce yourself, I won’t run away. Pry open my shell because I promise there is a beautiful pearl inside that is ready to fall in love with you.