Confession: I used to hate psychology.
While I was in my senior year of high school, I took psychology as one of my elective classes. The original reason why I took it was because all of my other friends enjoyed it, so what could go wrong? Long story short, 17-year old Haley was not having the time of her life in that class because the lectures were WAY too complicated for her to handle and she hated any subject that involved some sort of science. Fortunately, she survived the class with a 'B' average - phew!
Because of that class, I would think to myself,
"How could the study of the individual apply to all humans? That doesn't make sense!"
Fast forward to the fall semester of my senior year in college - I was terribly depressed. I was taking seven classes that semester, I felt like I didn't have any free time to relax or socialize with my friends and roommates, I was still ashamed my study abroad experience didn't go the way I planned at all, and I was very unsure what I wanted to do when I graduated in the spring. I would beat myself up constantly for having such pessimistic emotions, and they got so bad that my mind went to darkest place it's ever gone to... Although I didn't want to do it because I used to hate all of the social stigma it gets, I decided to go on anti-depressants and see some therapists on a regular basis.
One day, when I was lying in bed after just waking up, I opened up YouTube on my phone. I was watching random videos until I stumbled upon this one:
When I watched it for the first time when it was first uploaded, it didn't have any significant meaning to me. But while I was watching it during that time I had no desire to get out of bed and face the day, I felt something. I wasn't exactly sure what that "something" was, but this video felt like it was the only thing that was alleviating my depressive thoughts, even if it was just temporary.
As the months passed by, I was able to survive that hectic semester along with my final (and less stressful) semester of undergrad, graduated with Latin honors, pushed through a summer of applying and interviewing for grown-up jobs, and went on a last-minute trip to California that gave me a lot of time to do some soul searching...and make my life do a complete 180 I never thought it would ever do...
Fast forward to present day - I don't know whether it was getting accepted into the Disney College Program, getting adjusted to post-grad life, or even making the decision to extend my time at the radio station, but I've been extremely introspective of my whole life nowadays.
"Why did I give up on my passion for the arts and theatre? Why did I stop hanging out with old middle/high school friends I used to get along with?? Why didn't I join the radio station in junior year like I planned to!?"
I asked countless questions to myself, and then, the answer was revealed: Everything happens for a reason.
Yes, I'm pretty sure you and I have heard this phrase numerous amount of times; but in that moment, I felt like something within me immediately woke up. I went back to Daniel's video, and was grinning from ear to ear by the end of it. In fact, I watched it again about a week later and found myself drowning in tears of relief!
"It all makes sense now..."
I gave up on certain passions, people, and dreams because of my self-doubt and social anxiety. Even though loved ones around me supported and encouraged me throughout the years, I would brush it away because I felt terrified of handling the challenges such as criticism and competition. I thought I was too weak to overcome those big obstacles.
The huge weight that's been on my mind and heart was finally lifted. I'm still working on it at a slow and steady pace, but now I'm able to look back at certain moments of my life and look at the flip side of every situation. I feel grateful of all of the little things and wonderful people in my life every day I wake up and go to sleep. I'm practicing independent living skills such as cooking and budgeting. I made the big step in finally going off on my anti-depressants. And the best part of it all...
I feel comfortable and happy to be me, myself, and I. :)
