Recovering from a sexual assault is one of the hardest processes to endure because it takes acceptance until it is time to let it go. So often, we try to rename our experience as something less than a “sexual assault”. We try to undermine our experience so that it doesn’t appear as “bad”. We hold on to it because we’re afraid to share it with others out of fear that our feelings will be minimized or diminished, because no one else understand what we are going through.

It seems to easy to just get over it when in reality, it stays with us because we had never experienced more fear or shame than when it was happening. We are judged because it seems easily preventable; however, when your faith in humanity is so strong, we forget the evil that is out there.

I struggled with the question: “How can I be good enough if I am dealing with a sexual assault? If I am living in the shadows of the past?” I was dealing with something that caused immense fear and anxiety within me. It was something that hit my soul deeply and broke my strength. I struggled with receiving help for a long time, because I didn’t know what that consisted of. I was especially afraid of receiving help because that would mean that I had to admit that it occurred in the first place.

After finally being able to open up and receiving loving and supporting hands, I came to the conclusion that as long as I had the best people in my life surrounding me, I’m able to be the best me. When I have amazing people around me, I no longer have to fear the outside world. I can allow myself to be happy. I can allow myself to be content with all of my experiences and who I am, because those I choose to have in my life love me unconditionally.

Illenium has always been one of my favorite bands because their songs are about inner-strength and overcoming pain. Their song “Lost” is one of my personal favorites because it talks about being happy with who you are leading you to be strong enough to let go of the hurt that you hold. So often we are afraid of letting go of the things that hurt us, because we’ve let it take up much of our thought and created an identity that we could hide behind. “Lost” keeps repeating “Now I’m without you, without you now (I’m better lost)”.

This idea of being without the fear and hurt that someone has caused you, even if you might be lost, is so empowering because it means you have to be okay. Repeating this phrase means that you need to repeat it until you believe it to be true. You have to reach a point where the person that hurt you no longer has a hold on you. No longer controls your thoughts or emotions because you are better off without that identity that you allowed them to create for you.

The chorus says, “It’s time for me to breath. I’m gasping for the air, you stole from me. I’m crossing out the eyes and what they’ve seen.” Even though a sexual assault may feel as if you were punched in the gut and left breathless gasping for life again, it’s time to cross out what you keep replaying in your head and breath again. You’re better off without waking up in a panic because you’re afraid you let your guards down for too long while you were sleeping.

It’s time to breathe the air that keeps you healthy because you can no longer breath the air that reminds you of the evil world. Oxygen is supposed to sustain you, but when every breath you take reminds you of the breaths you had to take during the assault, it becomes an every second reminder of how much you are hurting. No more. Now is the time to breathe for YOU. Take a run and breath heavily because you did something right for YOU. He no longer controls every ounce of you.

Another part of the song says, “Been down on defeat, Rose from beneath, To find my escape, I’ll run from the lies you tried to hide, I’ll vanish without a trace”. RISE UP!!! Rise up strong enough to reject being defeated. You can no longer try to convince those around you that he is lying about what truly happened, because you know the truth. No one else needs to. No one else needs to understand if they choose to listen to him and not you. Just walk away.

Taking the time to convince those that he did commit what actually did happen is just going to make you loose your breath. Your breath is for YOU. Not for trying to convince those that you aren’t crazy and that it did affect you. One of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 10:13: “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet”. Jesus told his disciples this when he sent them out to clean those that had demons and impurities. Jesus and his disciples had the intention of helping those that he knew to be sick, but not everyone wanted to accept help.

I can no longer attempt to make sure that my offender doesn’t get into trouble because of the guilt I held on to. I can no longer be afraid of my friends being mad at me for expressing how I feel about the situation. If I wanted to share my experience, I can no longer be worried about judgment. I choose not to discuss it because I have chosen not to let it rule me. But if it occurs to someone else or I feel it is the proper moment to open up, I am willing to share it because I am not afraid. I am taking a stance on my own independence and bravery.

For so long, I’ve lived in fear. I’ve been defeated and have lost my strength. I refuse to let that be the case any longer. I am not going to be afraid of the outside world. I am going to choose to see the light in it because that’s what I have always done. I cannot let someone ruin my life just because they don’t have a sensitive bone in their body. I am a sensitive and happy person and I am not turning morose and anxious just because someone pushed their boundaries with me. This song is a reminder that I am strong enough because I am a strong person.

Thank you, Illenium, for reminding me of what I deserve and how strong of a woman I truly am.

I will not be defeated. I am breathing again for me. I am happy because I deserve it. I will not live in the shadow of the past. Thank you Illenium for reminding me that it is ok to be lost in life and that I need to let go of what is burdening me. Illenium, you’ve reminded me of my worth and the type of people I deserve to surround myself with. Most importantly, thank you for making songs that are anthems for overcoming and regaining strength. Music truly is the key to the soul.