I can’t give you an algorithmic equation to calculate exactly why I react to certain things the way I do. All I can do is tell you how I see the world as compared to those who normally do.

I lost all my faith in humanity at such a young age. I experienced things that an adult should have, not a little girl. It was so hard for me to process these things that occurred so early on in my childhood that I lost some of my memories due to severe stress and trauma. I lost a little bit of myself too.

I am not your standard 20-something looking for what the latest trend is or hitting up the coolest club scenes. No, I’m not any of that at all. I have evolved into who I am today, and that is not very likely to change. I can try to put on a good front for the time being, but I cant promise you that its going to last forever.

What I can promise you is that I will try. I will try to not let my anxiety consume me and let it rule my life. I can try to not let my manic depression blur my outlook on my life. I can try to smile for you and pretend that in this moment I am whole, I am okay. I want you to know that it comes at a price though.

I feel like every time I hide one of my emotions and put on a façade, it is only masking what I have gone through. I feel like a freak not being able to express the thoughts that run through my mind. It pains me to be able to watch others let time pass them by without worries or a fragment of understanding for the issues that not only I but many others face in this world as well.

I have learned to function and cope with my labeled disorders but having someone understand and accept me for them is almost too much too ask for. I have been treated as a mockery of society — outcast from the social norm of what is accepted. I have been thrown out too many times to count on one hand because other people couldn’t understand why I dealt with issues the way I did.

I didn’t choose to behave like this but I promised I would try to get better. I would try to be better for your sake. If you stop and think for a moment of what your asking me to do by trying to “feel” better, you’re essentially asking me to change my core as an individual to better your own well-being.

I understand the frustration that my emotional baggage might present to you, but I implore you to view me as a human being rather than label me for my misfortunes. I am worth more than my disorders, and I choose to not be identified as one. Some days are better than others, but I promise I will try for you as long as you try to accept me for who I am exactly the way I am, scars and all.

I’ll give you my best. I hope that is enough.