RateMyProfessors.com has become an integral tool for students during enrollment week. It’s like a Formspring for professors; only the professors don’t voluntarily sign up for the cyber bullying that many of them receive. Is there anything more honest than an overworked, underfed, sleep deprived college student?
If you’re a professor who has felt personally victimized by this website, fear not. Preparing for your incoming class isn’t easy. Let RateMyStudents.com do the dirty work for you. We ask the questions you will probably lose your job over—unless you're tenured, then you can do or say whatever you want!
Sally Davis, Accounting Major, Overall Quality: 3.1 out of 5
Sally’s heart beats for school. Think: Amy from The Big Bang Theory. She will be more passionate about your class than you are. Sally is the student who actually raises her hand when you ask the obligatory “do you have any further questions?” before freeing yourself early on a Friday. I mean, who does that??? One time, I deviated from the syllabus and I think she literally lost her shit. Pro tip: upload your notes to the course site before class…Sally will harass your friends, relatives, ex boyfriends, and butcher for those PowerPoint slides.
Bryce Sanders, Undeclared Major, Overall Quality: 2.6 out of 5
Remember that annoying, self-absorbed, obnoxious jock that failed geometry twice and hit on all of the insecure, younger girls in your math class? That was probably Bryce. He is a relentless cheater—not just during exams, but in his love life too. Although he doesn’t come to class often, when he does, it’s usually to hit on the girl in the front for answers. And you know what the worst part is? It usually works. Not gonna lie though, he could probably have sweet-talked me into handing out my answer sheets, but he would never go for an old gal like myself. (Oops! Did I say that out loud?) Avoid this student like the plague if you are a recently divorced, middle-aged woman in need of some attention. You’ll lose your job.
Nicolette Shapiro, Communications Major, Overall Quality: 4.1 out of 5
Nicolette is like the human version of the E! Network. If she isn’t busy sitting in the back of the class, taking Snapchat selfies and writing totally unrelated captions on the pictures she thinks she looks pretty in just to have an excuse to send them out to her Snapchat best friends and her story (seems redundant, if you ask me), then she is relating various anecdotes back to the life changing moment she met Bieber at a meet-and-greet for her 16th birthday. She is more confident in her eye for Instagram filters than I am in my abilities to teach, and her opinion will always be voiced, even if you don’t want to hear it. She won’t care if your syllabus prohibits food and drinks in class; she is seldom seen without a Starbucks “skinny chai latte with extra cinnamon” in her reusable Starbucks cup so she can save 10 cents per order.
William Finn, Philosophy Major, Overall Quality: 4.5 out of 5
William reminds me much of myself as an undergrad. He sports a biblical-esque beard that screams, “I’m a philosophy major and this is the dress code,” and his “Feel The Bern” t-shirt is likely still a detergent virgin—seriously, his odor should be bottled and sold at college fairs to lure in future philosophy majors. If you want to survive class with William, then do yourself a favor and Sparknote some classical literature so you sound smarter. He usually asks really hard questions—arguably, thoughts he came up with while stoned—but he’ll nod inquisitively if you ramble a bunch of nonsense and throw in some fancy words. I usually have an existential crisis once a week when listening to his philosophical babbling. On the bright side, it’s students like William that continue to keep my job security.
