I can't hate you

I Would Hate You If I Could

I would hate him if I could, but I can't. He knows I can't, but it's like he keeps trying to get me to do so.

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I didn't mean to fall for him. I didn't want to get attached. I never wanted to be THAT girl.

There's something about him that I can't let go. I want to be able to hate him for what he did to me. I want to forget about him. I want to forget the feeling I have when I'm whenever he's around. But no matter how hard I try I can't.

He's always on my mind. I wonder about how he's doing. I wonder if he thinks of me too. I wonder if he feels the same way I do, confused and broken.

I know he wants me to forget him. I can tell that I'm no longer what he wants, his face said it all that day I pulled into the drive-thru. My heart won't listen to what my head is telling it. I can't let him go and believe me, I've tried. Nothing gets him out of my mind. No matter how many times I've been told that he's no good for me or that he's just trying to wait for me to remove myself from his life, I still want him around.

I wish I was still the person he'd call when he found something in the woods or when he wanted whatever leftovers I had from a midnight Sheetz run with my best friend. I miss being that person for him. I know things are different in so many ways. I'm two hours away and he's constantly busy with work or school, but I can't help but wonder what would've happened if we had met at a different time in our lives.

I won't ever know the 'what if' because he and I both are too afraid to find out if we could be something great, or if this feeling I have is just one that I will always keep buried deep inside.

I miss him more and more every time I go home. I want him to be the person I go and visit, but it never seems to work out that way. If I knew our last date was going to be our last, I would've cherished it more than I ever did.

I don't want to miss him anymore. I want to be able to let him go like I know I should. It's so hard trying to keep pretending like I don't, but eventually, I won't.

One day I will be able to breathe freely without a constant fear that I'll see him driving around or sitting in a restaurant around town.

No matter how much I want to hear him say he misses me and that he wishes things were okay with us, I know that that's something I most likely will never get.

I would hate him if I could, but I can't. He knows I can't, but it's like he keeps trying to get me to do so. I wish he knew all the things I can't say. But maybe they'll always remain the things I'll never get to say.

Moving on isn't easy, especially when you don't know if they want you to. It comes with time, but eventually, the dreams, the countless nights crying, and the emptiness they left will disappear. You won't be worried about what they're doing and you will be free. It all comes with time. Time that I haven't gotten yet.

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My First Kiss Was Less Fireworks And More Braces Clashing

Yes, that is a photo of me the night of the magical event.

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It all started with my polka-dot bedazzled iPhone 4 sending a group text to my best friend at the time and two boys. One was a friend and one was a crush. They came as a pair as most middle schoolers do. My friend and I invited the boys to come to a movie with us.

Obviously, my mom would drop us off. We could walk in alone... we were 13... pretty many adults.

The night started with my friend and I getting all dolled up. I had the under part of my hair hot pink and feather extensions paired with side bangs. My outfit chosen to woo my crush was a tie-dye tank top, light wash shorts with diamonds on the pockets, and black fringe sandals. You already know I was wearing Victoria's Secret push-up bra to make sure my A cups were looking just right.

My face was caked with the foundation to cover my acne, a winged liner, lots of lipgloss, and my purple braces. For accessories, I brought my Vera Bradley wristlet attached to a lanyard because I thought it made me look older (I don't understand my thought process either just go with it). In my wristlet, I had my student ID in the clear part to make it look like a real ID. As if anyone thought I was of the age to have a real ID. I must say all together it was truly a look.

To start off my magical evening my friend and I were dropped off downtown Franklin where we at chicken fingers at McCreary's Irish Pub. We then walked to Sweet CeCe's because my mom was a little late picking us up. We then drove to the movie theater.

My mom dropped us off and we went in looking so fly. We bought our tickets and met the boys in the arcade. It was super romantic, duh. We went into the movie and things didn't go as planned. The guy I had a crush on saw some other girls he knew and... he went to sit with them.

Obviously, I was devastated.

First kiss boy, no offense, but you weren't the first choice for the movie date. So, I and first kiss boy sat next to each other. The arm went around my shoulders, he put his hat on me, and that was truly the done deal. I know my ladies swooned at a guy putting his sweaty flat bill on you in middle school. Don't even try to deny it. Anyways, he kissed me. It was gross, lots of lip gloss and lots of braces. I'm pretty sure it lasted about five seconds.

And that was it. The magical moment I had dreamed of after watching every chick flick and Disney movie turned out to be kinda gross and no fireworks went off. Definitely didn't have a Princess Mia foot pop.

Even though it wasn't a fairytale I wouldn't change a thing. First kisses are funny and are meant to be kinda icky. Shout out to you first kiss boy. Thanks for a super weird experience.

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14 Things You Need To Know About Dating A Pilot Before Your Relationship Can Take Off

They are pilots and will never let you forget it.

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Sometimes I forget that my boyfriend has a job that isn't as popular as your lawyer, doctor, accountant, but when I tell people that he's a pilot their thunderstruck faces bring me back to reality. Flying in the clouds isn't just another license, but a whole new world.

Pilots are known to be arrogant and narcissistic and I'm far from interested in that. I've found a good one, but there are definitely some suckers in the bunch.

I usually don't tell people what he does for a living until they ask because if I say he is a pilot they will solely ask plane questions, but I want to answer the questions about his personality and such. I'm not dating him because he can fly a plane. Actually, on our first date, the entire concept that he flies planes went over my head.

I always say he's the captain and I'm the co-captain. Well, only when it comes to flying. I never thought I'd be spending my nights studying, teaching, and pretending to understand Brionuilli's principle, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

1. The NATO Phonetic Alphabet

Can't understand what they're saying on the phone? Great, get ready to spend the next 15 minutes of your life listening to them spell whatever they so desperately have to say in the phonetic alphabet.

2. Hydration is key

Taking a 7-hour trip to Paris sucks the life out of your skin, but imagine flying day in and day out. A pilot has got to down bottles and bottles of water to keep their skin glowing.

3. They are pilots and will never let you forget it

They can't go more than 15 minutes without announcing that they are, in fact, pilots.

4. Checkrides

For every certification comes along the stress of another checkride. It's an extreme final on steroids.

5. FAR/AIM

It's the Federal Aviation Regulations/Aeronautical Information Manual, duh!

6. Never ask for the weather unless you have 30 minutes

No, really, it's better to just check your phone and keep your lips locked. Pilots know every single type of cloud, how they form, when and where it will rain, what the precipitation is, yada yada. Honestly, I'm more concerned about the iCloud.

7. Long distance

It's not really a long distance relationship, but it's common practice for you and your partner to be apart for a few nights.

8. Airline gossip

Since our first date, I've heard stories about all the airline gossip and rumors.

9. Flying dates

You want authentic Italian pizza? Done.

10.  Flight attendants

The infamous pilot and flight attendant affair. When I told my mom's best friend that my boyfriend is a pilot, she looked directly into my eyes and blurted, "You're so stupid. They are known as cheaters, Jenni." I'm personally not concerned, but I've definitely heard stories.

11.  Always flying for hours at a time

When I'm in class, he calls and when I call, he's flying. It's quite simple.

12.  CFI

Ah, the world of Certified Flight Instructors include nights of being the guinea pig for upcoming lessons on the nose-to-tail descriptions of a plane and why ears pop during a flight.

13.  Ground

When pilots in training aren't in the air flying, they're at ground where they talk about flying.

14.  Pre-flight calculations

I am his calculator. Every night, there is a chunk of my time designated to punching numbers into a calculator as he goes over the figures.

Lady and gentleman, on behalf of the entire crew, welcome aboard.

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