I didn't mean to fall for him. I didn't want to get attached. I never wanted to be THAT girl.
There's something about him that I can't let go. I want to be able to hate him for what he did to me. I want to forget about him. I want to forget the feeling I have when I'm whenever he's around. But no matter how hard I try I can't.
He's always on my mind. I wonder about how he's doing. I wonder if he thinks of me too. I wonder if he feels the same way I do, confused and broken.
I know he wants me to forget him. I can tell that I'm no longer what he wants, his face said it all that day I pulled into the drive-thru. My heart won't listen to what my head is telling it. I can't let him go and believe me, I've tried. Nothing gets him out of my mind. No matter how many times I've been told that he's no good for me or that he's just trying to wait for me to remove myself from his life, I still want him around.
I wish I was still the person he'd call when he found something in the woods or when he wanted whatever leftovers I had from a midnight Sheetz run with my best friend. I miss being that person for him. I know things are different in so many ways. I'm two hours away and he's constantly busy with work or school, but I can't help but wonder what would've happened if we had met at a different time in our lives.
I won't ever know the 'what if' because he and I both are too afraid to find out if we could be something great, or if this feeling I have is just one that I will always keep buried deep inside.
I miss him more and more every time I go home. I want him to be the person I go and visit, but it never seems to work out that way. If I knew our last date was going to be our last, I would've cherished it more than I ever did.
I don't want to miss him anymore. I want to be able to let him go like I know I should. It's so hard trying to keep pretending like I don't, but eventually, I won't.
One day I will be able to breathe freely without a constant fear that I'll see him driving around or sitting in a restaurant around town.
No matter how much I want to hear him say he misses me and that he wishes things were okay with us, I know that that's something I most likely will never get.
I would hate him if I could, but I can't. He knows I can't, but it's like he keeps trying to get me to do so. I wish he knew all the things I can't say. But maybe they'll always remain the things I'll never get to say.
Moving on isn't easy, especially when you don't know if they want you to. It comes with time, but eventually, the dreams, the countless nights crying, and the emptiness they left will disappear. You won't be worried about what they're doing and you will be free. It all comes with time. Time that I haven't gotten yet.