"My biggest fear is that eventually, you will see me the way I see myself."
Let me start off by saying "I'm sorry." You don't know what you are getting into. I hope you see this girl with the bright smile, full of laughter, and ready to take on the world. I hope you see all the things I am able to do with full confidence. But stick around. You'll see a smile that doesn't reach my eyes and hear the pain behind the laughter. You'll see the many areas that I lack confidence in and even fail at. It's in those times when I need you to still be you and to still be here.
Hold me a little tighter.
There are going to be days when my insecurities hit me like a MAC truck hitting a mosquito. I don't know what makes certain days the day this is going to happen, but it does. These are the days when my smile isn't as big. The moments when I don't have a smart butt reply. The times when I don't have anything to say or even a reaction. These days are when I need to know that you are still here. You don't have to talk or ask about what's bothering me. Truth is, I wouldn't tell you anyway. Not that I don't want to, I just don't know how to. Just stay with me. Hug me a little tighter or sit with me a little longer. Those extra seconds and minutes will say more than you ever could.
Pay attention to the songs I pick.
If you know me, then you know I love to sing. You also know that I am kind of like a jukebox, I know A LOT of songs. But pay attention to what I pick. I promise there's a reason that Little Big Town's Better Man or Sam Smith's Lay Me Down is playing. There's a reason you can hear the hurt and the longing in my voice. Even more importantly, pay attention to the ones that I can't sing. The ones that just play because the words hurt too much to say aloud. And in these moments, don't speak. Just sit with me in the truck like you don't have anywhere else to be.
Notice if I am reading or writing more.
It takes people a while to realize this one, but I'm giving it to you for free. Ever since I was little, reading was my escape. The one way to go anywhere in the world and never leave your bed. As I got older, I found a love for writing. It's where I can say things that I would never say out loud. It's how I get my thoughts in order. If you walk in and my nose is in my Kindle, ask me what I'm reading. You probably couldn't care a lick about whatever dumb love story it is, but let me know that you see me trying to escape. If you see a lot of late texts or notice that I'm getting up in the middle of the night to type, ask me about it. Chances are I'll let you read what it is. I want you to know what's on my mind. I'm just scared to.
You'll never know because I rarely tell, but I know I'm not good enough. It hurts to be the invisible girl or the one that's always left standing alone. I don't share my tells to often so read carefully and take to heart. I'm trusting you and that's hard to do when it's never worked out before.