Until this point in my life, I have not dealt with death. This past week, my brother died. To say we didn't have a relationship would be a lie; to say we had a terrible relationship would be a severe understatement. I got the phone call on a Wednesday night and my reaction was underwhelming. Emotionally, nothing happened. I didn't cry. I didn't lament some relationship the future may have held. Good times were so far in the past I didn't feel that anything had changed.
I imagine you're thinking what I've been thinking for the past week: that's pretty f**ked up. There are ways that people are supposed to react to death. There's the classic cursing of God for taking someone too soon, or someone too special. There's the rusty taste of regret. You'll regret you didn't forgive some minor infraction, or maybe even a major one. You're supposed to believe you didn't spend enough time with this person. Ultimately, death in our society is about forgiving the dead and laying guilt on the living. Maybe, that's a bit cynical. I'm sure often death of a loved one lands shades closer to these feelings than the feelings I've had. Yet, I can't believe I'm the first person to feel this way in the wake of a death.
When you don't have any immediate reaction, the thoughts don't stop there. You begin to worry. Why am I not upset? You begin to list all the ways you're supposed to mourn and grieve. You're supposed to immerse yourself in family and friends. I didn't do that; I wanted solitude. You're supposed to drop everything you're doing; I added more to my schedule -- the less time to think the better. I went on with life as if everything were normal. This worried me. I wondered what could be so wrong with me that I'm mourning in all the wrong ways, or not at all.
A conversation with a professor helped me realize nothing was wrong with me. At least, not in regards to this. I was told to mourn in my own way, even if that way is not to mourn. As much as society portrays many typical ways to react to death, there is no specific way that is right. If you find yourself wanting to cry uncontrollably, then cry. If you're not feeling anything, then let yourself be. There is no need to inspect your every feeling, or lack thereof.
You don't need to feel guilt over your feelings. Simply go through the process. There is no emotion you need to have. There is no reaction that isn't somehow explainable. There is no need to be self-conscious about the things you cannot control.
