For me, it started out with a headache. I had assumed it was the product of high stress levels and lack of sleep, but then the other symptoms started to show up. People were pointing out things to me that I became incredibly concerned about, and rightfully so, too. When it started to get out of hand, I went to the health center and was formally checked out by a doctor who gave me the diagnosis that changed my life.

He looked down at his clipboard, licked his lips, and then sympathetically shook his head. “I am really sorry to confirm your worst fears, Sarah, but I’m afraid that you are diagnosed with Being Too Nice.”

My world stopped. Being Too Nice? That was, like, incurable by any means of modern medicine. Sure, some people naturally just wake up one day completely fine and a complete jerk, but cases like that are few and far between. It probably won’t kill me, but the lung cancer from not asking people to stop smoking around me probably will, and learning to cope with this disease that I would be now facing for the rest of my life was a wake up call. I was obviously upset, even if I kind of saw it coming.

My doctor could not prescribe me medication, seeing as there is none yet that can combat this horrific diagnosis. However, he did give me some advice that could reverse the symptoms. He recommended I didn’t share this advice with anyone else, because that is something a nice person would do, but I was adamant about helping those of you who feel like you might be facing this same affliction as me.

To start, just STOP giving people the benefit of the doubt. If they are screwing you over, it’s probably because they mean to do it intentionally. Nobody ever messes up on accident, and so while you’re at it, go ahead and stop giving people second chances, too.

Trust? What is that? One of the worst side effects of Being Too Nice is that you inherently trust people. Why? They haven’t given you a reason not to. But trust me, they will. Humans are untrustworthy little meanies, and will surely exploit your trust the first opportunity that is given. That’s just the truth. Or is it? See? You can’t even trust me and I’m one of you.

Helping people who really need a little push is for LOSERS, unless you have ulterior motives, of course. If you don’t, then they clearly do. Don’t drive your wasted friend home on a 7° Saturday night unless it benefits you in some way. That’s just idiotic. Obviously if they can get you to drive them, they can find another way to get home and they are just taking advantage of you. And that dude that just happened to leave their wallet at home before going out to dinner? No. He has his wallet and more than enough money, but people are all assholes nowadays, so he is smart and remembers to stick you with the bill. Open your eyes, kid. This is the way the world works now.

Say no to everyone, all the time. Don’t ever say yes. That way, you are one hundred percent guaranteed to never say yes to something that a cynical butthead would have asked you to do. Don’t like saying no? Too bad. Grow a backbone. Another backbone. Vertebrae aren’t enough anymore.

NEVER say sorry. Even when you’re wrong.

Just give up on being a decent person altogether. Honestly, what is the point? Natural selection has worked its magic and is slowly weeding out decent people in favor of the misanthropists. Society has done the same thing too, by the way. I can’t explain it either, (probably because I am Too Nice,) but it’s apparently more socially acceptable to be kind of a jerk, than it is to be a half decent person, so you might as well just stop trying.

I know what you’re thinking. “I don’t try to be nice. I just do what I thought people do! I thought I was just being human!” I’ve been in your shoes. I get it. But in the end, being nice is going to kill you. Or apparently that what some people would like us to believe.