We all have that one friend who always seems to be in a relationship. Like, always. We find ourselves asking them: Dude, how do you do that? How do you land that many guys so consistently? As a seasoned bachelorette myself, I have no idea how they do it and maybe I never will. But why don’t people ever ask us lonely souls how we manage to be single for so long, and with such veracity? Why is being single seen as something that is easily accomplished and not worthy of trophies and medals? To set the record straight, I love my dating friends and my single friends all the same; I just want to let you guys know that one must have a delicate balance of horrible timing, bad luck and subpar conversational skills to really pull off being single and make it look this easy.
1. Have a strong desire to be by yourself and do things without any help.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve insisted on doing things by myself. I’m strongly against group work, and therefore strongly against working with others on something I could easily do by myself. Staying single not only requires a large amount of only extreme independence, but also an unnecessary stubborn attitude with no intention of changing in the near future.
2. Have really bad timing.
Every single type of relationship I’ve come close to starting comes at the worst time possible — mostly right before the semester is over and summer is approaching. Or right before he starts dating somebody else. If you want to ensure staying single, continue building up these relationships with a lot of hard work, and then watch them crumble right before your eyes.
3. Be really awkward in conversation.
I’m the queen of saying awkward things during conversation — usually along the lines of Cady Heron's “grool.” My personal favorite is when the guy at the gym tells me to have a good work out, and every single time, without fail, I manage to yell out “You too!” Keep up this kind of word vomit if you want to make every living person around you uncomfortable while simultaneously making yourself look like an inept potato.
4. Have a complete lack of allure.
This one is tricky, because if you look too nice in public you’re going to risk getting in a relationship real quick. I’m talking sweatpants, yoga pants, huge T-shirts and running shoes to make sure you have no shape whatsoever and could probably pass as a guy yourself.
5. Pass on most social interactions you come across.
There’s a huge party going on tonight and there’s going to be a lot of your friends and cute guys there … or you can stay in and watch "The Bachelor." With an obscene amount of ice cream and chips. You know what you need to do.
6. Associate yourself with horrible people.
If you surround yourself with d-bags and jerks, you’ll definitely be able to avoid a relationship really easily. Who needs a good guy when you can just keep pursuing the dump-tastic ones that consider texting you first a legitimate romantic gesture? Sign me up for that train wreck!
7. Watch a lot of romance movies/TV shows.
I've been watching romantic movies since I took my first breath into this horrible, cruel world. The way I've managed to stay single for so long is by continuing to watch these movies; the more romantic movies I watch, the higher my expectations of men become, and the higher my expectations become, the less chance I have of actually finding a decent guy since I'm essentially setting myself up for failure. Give me Noah Calhoun or give me death.
8. Hang out with your dad a lot.
I'm a daddy's girl; always have been, always will be. And over the years, I've found the more I hang out with my dad, the more I seem to not really desire being in a relationship ... but it's probably because he's the last person who wants me to be dating or even looking in the general direction of a guy. If you ever need a reminder of how immature and senseless college boys are, just hang out with your dad and I'm sure he'll remind you of the fact. Repetitively.
So there you have it. My fool-proof guide on securing your single lifestyle for good and also exponentially increasing your chances of dying alone but leaving all your worldly possessions to your 29 cats and dogs. But hey, everyone has different definitions of what a happy ending really is. Just remember to always do you, and do it really well.
