During my first year of college, I really took the time to reflect on my time in high school and what it meant to me. It was in high school that I transitioned from the scrawny, nerdy boy I once was to the suave, muscular man I am today. When I entered high school, I had no sense of what it meant to be cool. By the time I left, I was captain of the football team and the cheerleading squad. I really learned a lot in those four formative years. And now, that I am 19 and my prime is behind me, I would like to impart some of those wise pieces of wisdom upon you, whomever you may be. Here are my tips on how to be cool in high school:

  1. Locker decoration is crucial to social success. Make sure you have a poster of the latest popular band on the inside of the door for all to see.
  2. Be the class clown. On the first day of chemistry class, the teacher will ask each student to name every element on the periodic table. When it is your turn, recite "Potassium kiss-my-ass-ium". The other students will applaud and you will gain an aura of mystery and intrigue.
  3. The contents of your lunchbox are almost as important as how you're dressed. A sandwich? Cool and level-headed. Yogurt? Maybe a little weird. Roadkill and a diet coke? Now that's someone who's worth getting to know.
  4. Think about social connections. On the subject of lunch, make sure you sit with Ember in the cafeteria today. She's your ticket to the party on Saturday.
  5. 1st period algebra? NOT cool. You know what's cool? 1st period throwing eggs at Mr. Jacobson's car. Yeah!
  6. Don't be naive. Jonny Santos might seem like a cool kid who has all the ins, but be warned. His friendship will ensure you an ensemble role in the musical, but the ensemble is where you'll remain forever.
  7. Getting picked up from school by your mom? Major no-no. Getting picked up from school by your 20-year-old boyfriend whose name is "Jack Danger"? That's the ticket!
  8. For the latest gossip, make sure you talk to Ross Casper. You can find him in the second floor bathroom during third period. He'll give you all the deets on the latest hookups, scandals, and parties. But it's gonna cost you a piece of gum.
  9. Ah, health class. A classic part of the awkward high school experience. Don't be nervous. Just put on a condom before class so that when the teacher comes around to check, you'll get extra credit.
  10. Hack the system. Not feeling well? Pay a visit to Nurse Nan on the first floor to get a note so you can go home. If you bring another student, she will use her magical Sick Stick to transfer your illness to that student, and then they can go home.
  11. Do not open locker #666. Don Farley left a turd in there—20 years ago.
  12. Have you played the Fabled Saxophone in the band room yet? It is a requirement for success in high school. To find it, you must solve Mr. Danton the music teacher's riddle.
  13. Homecoming is the most important event of the year. If you do not have a date, your only option is to challenge another student to a soda drinking contest. If you win, you get their date.
  14. Just be yourself. Trends will come and go. At the end of the day, it's who you are as a person that really matters.
  15. Everyone pees their pants during class. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone.

If you follow these 15 simple guidelines, I guarantee that you will be cool and popular in high school. And heck, if you play your cards right, you could even become the principal.