I knew the moment that I was offered a position to write articles for Odyssey, I wouldn't be writing about the top 10 comedies out on Netflix, or what the best pumpkin flavored shit at Starbucks is. My job became clear.

I take slabs of my heart and share it with the world.

I had been given an opportunity to put it all out there.

I write about the darkness, the dirty, the terrifying, the real, the love, the pain, and all the uncomfortable, beautiful stuff in between. What I write is real. What I write is through my experiences. What I write is my heart seeping through my fingertips.

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Something About Humans and Self-Help

Our pride will always be one of the greatest things that get in the way of getting shit done, moving forward, and growing. This is something that I have struggled with my whole life, and just came to realize.

The first time anyone ever asked me about therapy, I was appalled.

I don't need that. I'm good how I am. I don't need to talk to someone and tell them all of my problems. I'm fine. I can handle this on my own.

I honestly saw a few therapists when I was younger and nothing really worked for me. I bitched about boys and talked about my freaky family and myself, but nothing ever made me feel as if I was learning or getting somewhere with how I was feeling.

The moment I stepped into my therapist's office about a month ago, I was scared and self-conscious and bitchy and annoyed. Honestly, all I did for the first 45 minutes was cry. I think my "ego" took the biggest hit at that moment. All I could think of was, "Wow, I've finally gotten to a point where I'm so fucked up that I'm in therapy." It wasn't really rational, but it was to me at the time.

Over the course of a month, here are the most substantial things I have learned about myself.

My whole life as an only child, my parents were my greatest role models.

It's true. Kids watch everything you do. They internalize all of your actions, habits, words, gestures. Everything.

Just like anyone else on this earth, my parents are flawed. Flawed as fuck.

I have been an observer of this dysfunctional relationship my whole entire life and it has left its mark on my heart, and my habits. I have felt the hard smack of bad habits that I have been exposed to and bring into every single relationship I have ever been in. This is terrifying.

I have inherited little relationship traits from both of my guardians. It took digging into my past, way, way back into my past's past to have an eye-opening realization. From my shitty communication skills to my fear of abandonment.

This reflects on how I relate to myself. Maybe it even stems from my first serious relationship and falling in love with a narcissist. Being told to change, and giving up every single part of who I was to make it work, and in the end, I was left empty, and, most of all, clueless about who I was.

Or maybe the idea that I felt the only way I could receive love was from another person, and if I didn't have someone, I was not worthy.

Or maybe I have deep roots of self-doubt from the habits of my mother and father.

Or co-dependence.

Or watching them enable one another.

I have been able to sit with myself and just notice.

No, more.

When you suddenly begin to see your self-sabotaging traits laid all out if front of you, something finally clicks.

How long will you stand in your own way? How many times do you need to learn the same lesson before you finally move forward?

Sometimes we just cannot do it alone.

It doesn't mean you're worthless, or not good enough, or broken.

It just means you are who you are and it's OK.

We are our WORST enemies, but we can also be our greatest heroes.

No one is going to fix you, save you, help you, move you, or break through to you until you are willing to do it all for yourself.

You must make yourself a priority.

Read that line again.

There are traits about my parents that I have always been skeptical of inheriting.

There are traits of my own that I really need to work on.

Therapy is not for people who are fucked up, or weak, or unstable.

And so what anyway? Are we not all a little fucked up?

Truth is, we could all use a little more help and a little less judgment.

Can you be honest with yourself?

It is time to step into the fire.

Let that shit go.