At the beginning of my freshmen year of high school, I had no idea that my life would change as dramatically as it has in the last four years. I definitely did not know that the catalyst of this change would be a book. However, in the winter of freshmen year, I began to hear a lot about a book that had recently been turned into a movie: The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I kept seeing quotes from the book that I related to online, but the one that would have the most profound impact on my life was “We accept the love we think we deserve”. It was one of those quotes that when I first read it I didn't think much of it but it stuck with me. I would find myself reading a book, or reflecting on something that happened in my life and going back to this quote.
One night my mother and I rented the movie. Throughout it I felt attached to Charlie. Although he is only a figment of Stephen Chbosky’s imagination, it felt as though he understood me. He often felt alone and depressed and blamed most things on himself, as if he himself had the power to create a natural disaster if he only said or did the wrong thing. However, he kept these feelings to himself because he did not want his friends and family to worry about him. Even though I realize now that everyone feels this way sometimes, at this point in my life I thought that I was the only one who had ever endured this. Seeing Charlie have the same reactions to the world that I was having helped me to realize that I was not alone after all.
After watching the movie, I decided I had to read the book. Reading the book I stumbled back on that quote “We accept the love we think we deserve”. I couldn’t help but to stop reading and think for a few minutes. Maybe it was not that the people around me did not love me, maybe I simply did not love myself enough to accept their love. I continued to ponder this throughout the book, and the rest of my freshmen year. I decided that in order to feel loved by others I must first love myself. I dedicated my summer to this process.
I spent all summer learning to love myself and accept my shortcomings. I wanted to become the best possible version of myself. Instead of looking in the mirror and commenting on the aspects of myself that I did not like, I made a conscious effort to compliment myself. When I was dealing with a situation that made me feel isolated, I made sure to step back and think realistically and clearly instead of letting my emotions get the best of me. I started my sophomore year with the belief that I could do anything if I set my mind to it. I allowed people into my life, and gave people second chances. I began to deal with my problems in healthier ways and instead of internalizing all of my stress, I learned to let it go. I taught myself that I deserved to be loved by others, but the most important thing would always be that I love myself.
There are still days when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, but instead of dwelling on it I expel the negative thoughts from my mind and focus on the positive thoughts that surround me. It is never going to be easy for me to love myself. It is a constant process that we all must go through in life. I am a constant work in progress, but I know now that I deserve all the love the world has to offer me.
