No trip to "Olive Garden" could have prepared you for this. Italian parties and family outings are a certain kind of experience. In case you are invited by a friend, significant other, or are an Italian yourself, here's how to make the most out of a day with "La Famiglia."
1. Hug and kiss everyone.
This includes people you have absolutely no idea who they are. I know my cousins and I were trained to do this so well that we used to accidentally hug people working our parties or just walking by. Trust me, word will get back to Nonna if you don't and you do not mess with an old Italian woman2. “No” is not a correct response to the offer of more food.
Don’t like it? Too bad. You’re full? Doesn’t matter, Italians will be offended. This is where you can earn some respect with the family. Anyway, you can never have too much homemade spaghetti and sauce. Don't be alarmed if they offer to give you a watermelon or basket of pears to take home. My nonno has literally given me garlic cloves as a welcome home gift. Just take it and say thank you because this is a common occurrence.
3. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Andrea Bocelli...
If you aren’t familiar with the classics it’ll be a long party for you. You have a better chance of finding someone at the party above 5’10 than hearing a Maroon 5 or Pitbull song. Bonus points if you know how to dance “The Tarantella.”
4. Bring ear plugs.
Figuratively speaking, be prepare for “loud talking” AKA what other people call “yelling.” We have three volumes, loud, louder and loudest. Just be ready, not even secrets are whispered here.
5. What’s a secret?
Going along with that, secrets are not a thing in Italian families. If you tell Zia Francesca, she will tell her brother Zio Vito, who will tell his daughter Sofia. By the end of the night the whole family knows about the new guy you’ve been dating, and they’ve done a background check. We have no boundaries with each other because we love each other so much.
6. Cousins are like siblings.
Yeah, we call everyone our cousin, but that's because they probably are in some way. Whether it is our actual blood cousin or family friend (called a Paisano if you want to be extra impressive), we have a strong bond. No matter how much we make fun of each other, we love each other. Need someone to beat up your ex? Call a cousin. Need advice when you do something stupid? Call a cousin. Just need someone to talk to? Call a cousin. Respect the relationship we have, and try to build one too. Extra hint, these are usually the people who are the fun at the party, so try to get a seat with them.
8. Bring up other Italian things.
Doesn't matter if you are .002 percent Italian, tell them. If you really love soccer, "The Godfather," or have a big family yourself, they'd love to hear about it. If you consider yourself a "wino" talk about your classy taste for Vino. Boxed wine, no matter how fun, does not count.
9. Practice Bocce Ball skills.
Some families play corn hole or trivia games, we play Bocce. Its a game involving two teams trying to roll 8 balls the closest to a smaller one called the "pallino." It involves a lot of strategic play and focus. Practice throwing one around before you embarrass yourself.
10. Impress Nonna and Nonno.
These are the people who are the head of the family. Every choice is made around accommodating them. There is no stronger love than Italian love for grandparents. You say the rosary if your Nonna tells you too, you eat the extra cannoli if Nonno tells you that you are too skinny, and you listen attentively to the same story about Italy they forget they tell you every time.
So now you know what to do if you are ever invited to the annual tomato canning day, baptism or the weekly Sunday dinner.
Oh.... One more thing.
It's Italian, not "I-talian."
