Think about the worst experience of your life, whether it be big or little. How did you feel in that moment? How did it affect your life? Now imagine that experience staying with you for weeks, months, years.
Two years ago, I lost someone very close to me to suicide.
Hearing the news that he was gone broke me in two. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt and, to this day, I still have not completely accepted the fact that he is gone.
He was the laugh that filled the quiet room, the person who could cheer me up with his simple presence and someone I trusted with my whole being. He helped me through the bad times, and was someone with whom I spent some of my best times. I still can’t believe he is gone.
The night I learned the news was quite possibly the worst night of my entire life. I watched as his family and friends shed tears on his behalf. It was indescribably hard and I shied away from looking at pictures and videos of him. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he would never speak or be with me again. I had thought that someone had made a mistake, that he was just going to show up one day and everything was going to go back to normal.
Weeks, then months passed, and the pain just became more palpable. He was not returning, and the ache of missing him grew every day. The support of his family and friends, however, seemed to make it a bit more bearable. And yet, the realization that more and more time was passing without him was a sickening feeling.
Anniversaries and holidays were tough to get through, as well as the random memories that would pop up and remind me of him. Not a day passed that I didn't think about him, and not a week went by that I didn't shed a few tears.
About two weeks after his death, I started my freshman year of college. Making friends and excelling in classes was my main goal, but with this recent tragic event, I slowly discovered college might be harder than I thought. I spent a lot of time with my family, his family and the familiar friends and people who felt like "home," to help me through this hard time. Slowly, time was passing, and the ache lessened. But its never truly dissipated.
As the seasons changed and the year passed, the thought of his eternal absence finally set in. It was my mission to remember the good things about him rather than the terrible thing that had happened. It has been a little over two years now, and the thought of him being gone still aches, but it comes with so many memories and happiness that I was able to be a part of his life and, more importantly, that I had the privilege of him being a part of mine.
Losing someone is never easy and loss at a young age seems almost unbearable. You might think that you'll never have to go through something as traumatic, but it can happen to anyone. Just know that it is okay to not be okay sometimes, and that family and friends can truly get you through anything. Always look to the good things in life and never be afraid to express your emotions.
I'll always miss you, Jordan, and I am so fortunate to have gotten to know you.
