I have a hard time letting go.

I have a hard time letting go of people, of places, of things that have happened to me.

I don't know why but it's always been that way.

I remember when I was 16 years old and a Junior in high school.

There was a guy that I really liked because he was so out of this world. He shaved his eyebrows off, he loved My Little Pony, and he was just ridiculous. Our mutual friend told him that I really liked him. Suddenly, my social media was bombarded with messages and requests from him. I was absolutely terrified. Eventually I responded to him and we planned on going to a haunted house together. I've always loved anything scary. I love Halloween, horror movies, anything and everything supernatural, the odd, etc.

We met at a gas station and I drove with him the rest of the way. I remember as soon as I got out of the car my body froze and it was almost like someone clicked a remote and suddenly I was frozen. I could hardly move or speak properly and I felt so uncomfortable. The night was hard because I wouldn't let go. I wouldn't let go of that weird unfamiliar feeling that is quite honestly very normal and very usual for a young girl who is out on her first date type of deal.

But instead of acknowledging my feelings, accepting them, and letting them go, I held onto them. I clung to them for dear life.

"What could this mean? Why am I such a freak? What is wrong with me? WHAT is WRONG with ME?!?!?!" My head felt light. My face grew pale. I was dizzy. I couldn't stand it any longer. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go home and crawl into my bed and hide away forever. My heart was palpitating the entire night and I felt like I was going to throw up the entire time.

Why?

I don't know.

But this happens every time. It happens every time I go to do something daring or bold or even really quite simple. Oh, how terrifying it is for me to get gas at a populated gas station! Oh, how I fear interacting with the general public at my job! Oh, how I hate the feeling of being watched as I walk down the street, to my car, to the gym, to my room, to the grocery store, to anywhere. AH. It's all too much for me. All of it is just too much.

And you know why?

Because I don't let go. I do not breathe and I do not let go and I hold it all in and swells inside of me unlike any storm I have ever seen.

My fear comes in waves. My heart quivers and rumbles and shakes in waves. One minute, I'm fine. The next, I'm a mess.

But it's because I don't breathe.

I have spent my entire life not breathing properly and I am an anxious little lady most of the time because of it.

So, I guess my advice to all of you, is to breathe.

Breathe and let go and breathe again.

That's all you can do.

"A Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness"

"If I have harmed anyone in any way

either knowingly or unknowingly

through my own confusions

I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way

either knowingly or unknowingly

through their own confusions

I forgive them.

And if there is a situation

I am not yet ready to forgive

I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself,

negate, doubt, belittle myself,

judge or be unkind to myself

through my own confusions

I forgive myself."

- The Peaceful Minds Center