The only thing you need to know about the Internet is that it's amazing. So amazing, in fact, that it is probably too good to be true. This is a fact in the same sense that what tastes good isn't usually good for your body. Pizza tastes good, and is allegedly approved by the government to be classified as a vegetable, but alas, most thighs beg to differ. Likewise, the Internet is glorious and I am probably more desirable on the grid than I am in real life. Don't be fooled though,it is a thief in the night.
1. PETA Emails
The worst way to start the day off is by checking your email and having to delete one reading "SAVE THE KITTENS!" Automatically, by filtering this spam, I have become someone who apparently does not in fact wish to save the kittens. This is because I know the headline is better fit to say, " Give us money! Let us convince you with cute pictures of small baby animals!" Still, I feel guilty every time this happens. God, internet, you're so unfair.
2. Facebook Stalking
Everyone does it. You see a post from some guy you knew in middle school, and suddenly you're three-fourths into his personal life, you know who he's dating, where he goes to school, and how often he can pose shirtless with a red solo cup in hand. Or, you see a picture of someone you would really like to know, and proceed to stalk their likes and their relationship status. If you ever end up talking to them, they start to wonder how you knew that their favorite movie is "Finding Nemo" and that they are absolutely (inexplicably) obsessed with John Mayer.
3. Web MD
This website has made me a hypochondriac. Heaven forbid I have a questionable bug bite, I am presented with the unsettling suggestion that it could be psoriasis?
4. Google Complacency
No seriously, Google it. Every time I have a question, I don't turn to the encyclopedia. I don't read through volumes of unrelated content to find any answers, and I lack the information unwillingly retained because of it. Nope, at the slightest inquiry, my process of finding out how many people live in Madagascar is thwarted and I am given instant gratification by typing in the first three words before the right suggestion pops up (22.92 million people, by the way).
5. Time Consumption
How many times have you pulled an all nighter for academic reasons and spent five hours of it on Tumblr? I see you.
6. The Weird Side of YouTube
I have seen things I can never un-see and I do not like who I am because of it.
At the end of the day, I used the Internet to write this column. I used it to look at pictures of kittens I'm not saving. I found out that my old best friend is dating a forty year old and is getting married at the end of July. I looked up how to make my own mocha cookie crumble frap and you know what? No regrets.
