It's not uncommon for people to try to console me when I tell them that my parents are divorced. What they don't know is that I don't need their comfort. I've come to accept everything that has happened, and I'm okay.
My parents had been separated since I was in middle school, which I can admit was challenging for me at the time. I went to private-Catholic schools up until high school, so all of us kids believed that marriage was perfect and would always last. In 6th grade when my dad moved out so him and my mother could work things out, I prayed everyday that he would come home and everything would return to normal. None of my other friends in my small class of 25 were going through what I was going through.
Eventually it just became the norm for me to not have both my parents present at all times. It sucked. Because my dad didn't live with me, I felt that I was constantly competing for his attention. Instead of going home after school to do my homework, I would ask to come to my brother's hockey practices because I knew that's where I could spend time with my dad.
The pain that my mom was going through the time was ultimately taken out on me. She was heartbroken, frustrated, and sad. These feelings were only intensified when we found out that my dad had an affair during his time away from us. Only, these feelings spread from my mother to my brother and I. I was diagnosed with severe depression, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I resented my father. I felt alone.
In my later years of middle school and into high school, I developed a strong passion for soccer that helped to distract me from the painful feelings that I had at home. I could focus on something other than myself, other than my family. What helped was that I became good at it. I was excited to go to soccer because I knew that I was valued by my teammates and they were all girls that understood me and pushed me to be better. Soccer physically drained me so that my mind couldn't.
The relationship between my mother and I had been stressed to the point where I no longer wanted to live with her. Even with soccer to distract me, I came home to negative emotions. The winter of my junior year in high school, I packed my bags and moved in with my dad, who at the time was also living with his girlfriend. By leaving, I had left a place where I was stressed and hurt, but moved myself into a place where my depression could dwell. I was scared of what was going to happen. I was sad because everyday I would be reminded of how broken my family was.
During my stay with my dad, I lost one of the most important coping mechanisms I had: soccer. I had my first knee surgery, which turned into a second, and later a third. I missed out on my final year of club soccer and my junior and senior years of high school soccer. It crushed me. I lost a group of friends. I missed out on the glory of being a senior player. I lost my physical strength, and I lost the mental strength that I had worked so hard to build. Again, I no longer knew what to do with myself.
Towards the end of my junior year, I was admitted into an outpatient program for three weeks to work on coping skills and talk about what has caused me so much pain. It felt so good to finally open up to professionals and other kids my age. I was comforted in knowing that I wasn't the only one with divorced parents, and also not the only one who was severed by an affair. Even better, I wasn't the only one battling depression. I was told that I was strong for everything that I had been through. I hadn't let my demons crush me.
My senior year I had a lapse in this strength. I was admitted to the hospital for a week because of a suicide attempt. The moments leading up to my attempt, I had gotten in a fight with my father. What ultimately pushed me into tears and hysteria was when his girlfriend yelled at me, too. Was I so much of a failure and damaged that even her could see?
It took me leaving to go to college to recognize the true magnitude of strength that I had within. I continued to fight my depression. I allowed myself to leave home in order to make my own success. I found happiness outside of soccer, even though inside I wanted so badly to play again. I made new friends. I got the opportunity to live on my own where I could create my own positive atmosphere.
And even better, the relationship that I have with my parents is better than ever.
