As a child, I always loved the idea of one day getting to have the wedding of my dreams. To wear a beautiful princess gown, to have the most incredible father/daughter dance, and to marry the man of my dreams. After all, what little girl doesn’t think about this? Growing up in a household that is filled with unconditional love and happiness is what drives a young girl to be excited about marriage at such a young age. The bond between her parents is what sets her expectations for her future relationships; her parents are what motivate her to find someone no less than spectacular.
From then on, she sets out to find a man who treats her just as her father treats her mother. With nothing but kindness, respect and that everlasting love that brightens up her life. The marriage between two parents is the root that children base their future romantic endeavors on.
I vividly remember the day I found out that I would no longer have a marriage to look up to. I would no longer have that household full of unconditional love and happiness. I was now part of a broken home.
My definition of love had severely shifted, and I didn’t believe it even existed. How could I possibly believe true love exists, when the two people who made a promise to love each other, could break it just like that? My hope in everything started to fade away, and I was no longer that little girl who planned her wedding. Instead, I became a little girl who never wanted one.
No longer wanting a wedding was something that had stuck with me. I would tell everyone that I didn’t want to get married, that I never wanted kids, and that I definitely would never combine my bank account with anyone else. I wanted to be on my own for the rest of my life, so that way I would never get hurt. Trusting someone else seemed impossible since I had just witnessed two people break the biggest promise you could ever make to someone. My mindset would never change; I would never want a wedding.
Finding out that your parents are divorcing is one of the biggest life altering experiences you will ever face. You have to sit back and watch the two people whom you love more than anything, go their separate ways. You’ll have to adjust to the life of living out of a suitcase every other weekend. You’ll have to adjust environment change during holidays and family parties. Your whole life turns upside down, and will never be the same again.
Fast forward a few years of this new lifestyle, and I can say that it helped me. Going through an experience as hard as this one helped me develop a new sense of strength and independence. Not only that, but I learned an important lesson. That lesson turns out to be that just because your family situation changed, doesn’t mean your perspective on love has to as well. Once you grow to accept a situation, you will start to see the sunshine peeking in through the cracks.
You are not your parents; you are not their mistakes. The most important thing for anyone in this situation to know is that just because the marriage between your parents had fallen apart, does not mean that yours will. As soon as everything is said and done you’re not going to feel whole. You’re going to feel broken, you’re going to feel hurt and you’re going to be scared. You’re going to be scared to trust, to love, and to put faith into someone else. You’re going to be scared to let your guard down, to let someone in and to invest your everything into a relationship. However, all of these feelings are normal, and they do go away with time. You learn how to truly love as a child of divorce. You understand the pain of separated parents, you understand how it feels to have to put yourself back together when everything you once had got taken away, and you learn that this is not what you are going to want for your family. Use this situation as an example of what you don’t want, and it will lead you to what you do.
I have learned to create my own definition of love. To not base my relationship expectations off of other people. Sometimes the best thing you can do is go after something with no expectations, and those are what turn out to be the best things. Learning to love as a child of divorce is not easy, but it is possible. All it takes is a little mindset change and a little acceptance, and you will be right where you want to be.
