This is not a fun topic of discussion, but it needs to be said throughout all communities.
I have been in your shoes. Hell, the past two seasons of fall I am practically in your shoes. It is hard to get up in the morning. It is hard to motivate you to do anything other than just sit there and cry. Sometimes you just never know how you are going to feel. Feeling this strongly is painful. It physically can cause so much pain. It can cause you to think maybe this is not worth it. Or even think, “I am not worth this life if I am just going to be constantly sad”. I get it. I really do.
I think I pinpointed the time where all these changes happened to me. Two years ago, I dealt with the worst constantly emotional pain of my life. I transitioned from home to college; which meant saying goodbye to all comfort of home, my family and all kinds of friends... the best friends I had ever had up until that point (and some still are). As the year went on, I realized how much has changed and how much damage is done to friendships that I just know in the back of my mind I will never get again. I experienced my first death in the family since I was young. I watched my family go through that transition without me there to comfort them or where I could get their comfort. It was excruciating. I was sexually assaulted within the first two months of college. I almost lost one of my best friends to the damages of our lives. I thought I lost the love of my life, which thankfully my mindset has changed on that topic, but at the time it was the worst heartbreak of my life. The only thing I was doing well with was school and my roommate, who might I add got me through literally everything and anything without leaving my side. I attribute a lot of my healing to her, so thank you Nikki. I am forever grateful for you in my life.
Besides my grades and my wonderful roommate, I was struggling. I struggled to get out of bed. I struggled with loving myself (and sometimes even do when this time of year rolls around). I struggled with opening up to those around me. I struggled with anything. Anything that happened was damaging to me. Things that would not normally be damaging, but they were the worst thing to my overly sensitive self.
Looking back, I realized how much damage I had done. I had damaged myself. I had my days of taking my frustrations out on others rather than just talking about how I was actually feeling. I had spent some days in bed wishing I was not there anymore. I had spent some days wondering how I could release the pain. I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep. If you are currently feeling this way, I get it. The best advice I have to give is cliché, but so true. There is nothing more powerful than yourself. You are the best way to get out of depression. You have to stop submitting to your feelings and using other ways to cope to feel better. You need to feel them, but focus on what the root of the issues are. Working through them in your head is the best way to get over something. Write them out, paint them out, read every article known to man on feeling better, sing out loud about how you feel and cry while doing it. I do not care what form this takes (as long as it is positive), but you need to find that thing that will forever help you through the roughest of times. I found that writing, singing out loud, and hiking has helped me the most and maybe they can help you too.
You are a lot stronger than you know you are. You are a lot more important than you think yourself to be. There are a lot of things to be done in this world and everyone plays an important role in that fact. That is something I taught myself while I was going through this and it is something I remind myself of when I do experience these feelings again. There are so many people who need you or who will need you in the future. These people will be heartbroken without you here. Trust me, I did not realize this until I had my mom crying after I told her I did not think I would physically survive that year because I hated myself that much.
I know this is something you hear all the time. I know that it is hard to listen when you are so upset. I just want you to know that there is no shame in how you feel. Never feel like your feelings are not real or they are not valid. You are always allowed to feel sad. And your feelings are always valid. If you do not take this advice, at least talk to your best friend. Talk to your counselor. Talk to your new roommate even though it might freak you out at first. Coming from experience, I gained one of my absolute best friends from talking to a new roommate and I do not regret telling her a single thing about what I was going through. She helped me more than she will ever understand or that I could ever thank her for.
I hope you are okay. I hope you know that you are worth it because you are. You are strong and you got this.