Cancer: One of the most overwhelming words known to man. This disease takes over not only the infected people, but also anyone in its wake. I know this, because I lived it. My dad fought cancer for 11 months. 11 months of hospitalization and medicine. I went through the mess and the tears and all the sadness.
Cancer, or any sickness for that matter is impossible not to see. It stands in your face and forces you to stare until it breaks a part of you. A disease such as this demands grief before loss. This happened to me over and over throughout the year of 2014. Life was fine. I was fine. The only thing that consumed my life was my sophomore algebra and boy drama. "What will I wear to school tomorrow? What should my friends and I do Saturday night? " These are the questions that consumed me. One doctor appointment changed that. I went from asking myself, "Does my outfit look cute today?" to "How will I survive this? Get out of bed? What's the point? Why me?" These are the questions that no teenager should ever have to ask. No one should have to ask.
When They said it was cancer. In my mind, it would all be okay because cancer never happens to your family. Oh no. My dad would be the exception. Then the next doctor appointment said it was terminal. "It's OK," I thought. "He'll be fine."
Appointment after appointment, I gave myself hope. Then it came down to the very last hospital visit. When the doctors said my dad wouldn't come with me. His final days were here. It was over. It was really over. Thats when I snapped. Some people get mad at God in these moments. Not me. I completely gave up on him. The word that accurately describes that moment is hopeless. Utterly hopeless. I decided that life would be taken into my own hands. At 15, I was convinced that I put all my eggs into the wrong basket.
Months later, I was on a trip with my youth group. Escaping the sermons when I could because I was uncomfortable with hearing about Jesus. Whatever talk of Jesus they were doing, made me want to crawl out of my skin. So I would go sit in the lobby until it was over. I ended up going to one of the sermons that asked a question that changed me. "When was your wrecking ball moment when you were changed by God, and you were never the same."
I knew of Jesus my whole life. I heard the songs and said a prayer every now and then. Went to church all the time. I was in a bible class. I was always known as the good girl.
It scared me so bad when I could not think of one moment. I could think of a million times I prayed "God come into my heart" but never had I been changed. Never had I chosen to follow Him. Never. After months of grief and overwhelming exhaustion from living life on my own, I surrendered. I didn't say a prayer to know that I had insurance into heaven. No, I said "I'm too exhausted. I can't do this on my own because I keep failing over and over. So take a shot at this God. If you can fix it, then do it. I give you the reigns. I give you my life."
It took something as big as losing my best friend to rock my world enough to realize that simply living was not good enough.
Let me tell you, that God redeemed that prayer. He took me in and has been the father to me. Do I understand why He allowed my dad to die? I have absolutely no clue. It still breaks my heart not to share life with my dad. That will never change.
But now I look back on that horrible tragic time and can see that God was there. I was not alone. He never left me or did anything to mess my life up. I can't look back with answers to all my questions of why? Although, I look back and can see purpose. I can see that this story shook my life enough to make me see that I was in need of a savior. I needed to be rescued. I needed comfort, hope, and purpose.
My life has never been the same. I now know I am not alone. I never was. I never will be.
This is the story of how God used disease and brokenness to show me love grace and mercy. How hope was restored in a life of sickness. How life was given completely surrounded by death. This is the story of my life never being the same. This is the story about how cancer saved my life.
If you have given up on God, remember that He has never and will never give up on you.
- From the girl who thought her life was over, when really it was just beginning
