Some days I wake up and it is like my breathing has been shut off. Some days I wake up and I have a chronic stomachache, and I don’t know if I’m going to puke or not. Some days I wake up and I feel sorry for just existing.
I really don’t remember a time when these things weren’t a factor in my everyday life. I have never had a chance to feel what normal is, and I really don’t know if that even exists. My mind is always going 90 mph, and it is exhausting.
Sometimes I feel like I have two different people living inside of my brain, one being me, and the other being the anxiety that overrides my thoughts and actions. It is growing more and more unbearable as I take on each day. I get lost in my mind and drown in thought. There is a darkness that overtakes my body and I feel like I can't get out sometimes.
I overthink the slightest things and it is like my mind is a fragile glass case with nails inside. The slightest movement and CRACK!
In more than one case this anxiety has kept me from experiencing things, and taking on new challenges. I have missed events that mean a lot to family and friends, and sometimes I can’t get to work or school. It isn't like I can just get up and go either. There is this invisible weight that keeps me there and it feels like the pit of my stomach is in my feet. I really can’t even put into words how crippling it can be sometimes.
I was always into alternative methods like healing crystals, aromatherapy, and meditation instead of medication. These things have worked pretty well, but it is starting to get worse and worse.
Medication was a no go for the longest time until this year my parents came to the conclusion that I should try it. After almost thirteen years of alternative methods we are going to give medication a shot. I am so lucky to have such supportive parents who have always taken my anxiety seriously. They have listened to me when I cry for help, and have never told me that it isn’t important.
My anxiety has played into a lot of different things. It is linked to my obsessive compulsion, my fear of A LOT, and my past eating disorder. My goal though is to not let any of this define me in anyway. Yes this all happened, but no I am not weak or less of a human being because of it. In fact it made me a very positive and joyous person. This also does not mean that I still do not struggle with this stuff. Anxiety still comes back to me, but look at it this way, everybody gets sick and in my way so do I.
