Cheers to the kick off of the holiday season and to delicious food being enjoyed by many all across America!
While it’s mostly about the food (don’t lie to yourself), Thanksgiving is also about the family. So I’m coming back at you this week with the most recent edition of how to annoy your family during these glorious four days we get to spend at home.
If you are asked to work/help out in the kitchen, have no fear — there are always ways to get out of it.
Sample all the desserts and your favorite foods while they are in the making. For example, slyly take pieces of chocolate that will soon be converted into brownie batter (NOMZ).
Spill things. Ruin things. Sabotage all positive efforts being made by the chef master and their selected minions. Make it known that you are not here to make friends, you’re here to win. And by win, I very much mean be the super lazy college student who just CAN’T set the table because they have a final coming up in seventeen days — come on, Mom, you should know this.
After causing problems, your mom or whoever is the master chef, will probably kick you out. And then you can go watch football and eat snacks with the boys and men of the family #WINNING.
If the family is into listening to some classic rock and smooth jams, assume the job of DJ and put on your pregame playlist. After all, there is a football game coming on soon, so it is currently pre-game. Do the math. Hopefully if you’re like me and my roommates, this playlist will consist of a weird combination of 2-chainz, Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj.
Parents and family just love when you ignore them all night and just sit in the corner on your phone. So text away, my friends! Really make them mad by throwing in not a giggle, but a full on laugh out loud to let them know that you’re ~fun and carefree~. They’ll have to cope with the FOMO of the text conversation they aren’t a part of.
On a similar note, set a personal goal to take a Snapchat with each family member. Do it at extremely inconvenient times, like when the marshmallows on top of the sweet potato catch fire in the oven. Again. Yell, “MOM. SELFIE!” and capture her look of panic and confusion as to why there is an iPhone in her face while the fire alarm is blaring in the room. Be sure to put them all in your Snapchat story to relive the memories for the next 24 hours.
At the dinner table is where the potential for prime annoyances come into play.
A personal favorite is to bring up topics that will lead to you being kicked under the table to shut up. These probably include throwing your siblings or cousins under the bus. Plus throw in some details about your weekend shenanigans — Grandma loves that stuff.
When people ask you if you "can pass the [insert name of heavenly food here]," look at the dish that is right in front of you for three to seven seconds — no more, no less — look back at the one who asked, nod and reply "yes," then swiftly and gracefully return to your own meal. Be sure to disregard the look of disbelief on their face.
To be fair, they might use the proper terminology and ask, “will you pass the green beans.” In that case, stare at said dish for nine to twelve seconds, before simply replying “nah,” and shrugging your shoulders a bit. Then of course go on enjoying your meal. To add the cherry on top, serve yourself some green beans and comment on how scrumptious they are.
Thanksgiving day is full of food and football and therefore interceptions! If you’re feeling nice and actually do pass the food down the table, make sure to take some for yourself on the way over. Bonus points if you finish the dish or leave an absurdly small amount for the family member who requested it.
Enjoy this fabulous holiday! I hope you don’t get kick out of the dining room before dessert is served…
