Sometimes I wish I could go back, to the time where everything was simple. I wish I could go back to the time where falling in love with him felt as easy as breathing. But most of all, I wish I could go back and change things. Now, however, I realize that its not worthwhile to dwell in the past because it will only bring you down.
When I look back, I see a scared, immature boy who was too afraid to man up and tell me the truth. When I look back, I see a boy who would always run away from his problems and cast them onto my shoulders instead. When I look back, I see the lies and all the moments where I could have walked away. I don’t see two people happily in love. I see two people who were pretending that they had a relationship that other people would be envious of.
That fact could not be further from the truth. They didn’t see that most days, I was living in an a crippling anxiety that was preventing me from being my true self pain. Everything I used to do and love, I gave up for him. He did not complete me, he shattered me until I did not recognize myself. Sometimes, his words were the fists pounding against me. Sometimes, it was the way he manipulated me, or it was the way he looked at me with unforgiving eyes. And sometimes, it was just the way he loved me. It just wasn’t right. I could feel it, but still, I stayed. I felt trapped.
I was afraid of the unknown, so out of comfort I continued to fight. I was tied to him. He was everything to me and defined me. It wasn’t healthy. Every day was like a battle, that I didn’t know if we would survive the casualties. It wasn’t until I walked away that I realized I had been emotionally abused and taken advantage of.
I remember every late night conversation. I remember every argument. I remember every time he rose his voice at me. I remember that I was the one forgiving, I remember so many things that went wrong that I blamed myself for. And even after I left him, it didn’t get easier.
Some days I still thing it’s my fault, when I look back. I think that if I worked harder to make things better, I wouldn’t have had to leave. I knew my situation needed to change. I knew that I needed to view myself differently, that I didn’t have to blame myself or feel guilty anymore now that I wasn’t tied to him. Feelings of discontentment lead to misperceptions of my self image. Some days I hated myself for loving him. Some days I hated the person I’d become with him, and for everything that I’d lost with him. I was afraid that his manipulation had gotten the best of me and that I wouldn’t be able to regain my self - confidence. I was afraid that without him, I was going to remain lost, confused and hopeless
The more I wallowed in self pity and regret over the more I forget about God’s place in my life. I wasn’t seeking him in this time of need. I was relying on myself to get through the pain, which only made me feel more empty and alone. I wasn’t filling myself with the things that I needed God’s love to nurture myself. God’s love does not only cover a multitude of sins. And it doesn’t just cover the costs, it heals the hurt.
It took me a long to time to remember and believe this again. But once I did, my perspective of myself changed. I realized that my mistakes didn’t have to define me and that God’s loving mercy could change my view of myself. I was still beautiful in the eyes of God. I was still a beloved child of God. I could still find my identity in Him. I was emotionally abused, but I am not going to let stop me from falling in love again.I am not going to let those emotional scars and bruises define me. Instead, I’m falling more in love with Jesus. He is my rock, my Savior, my hope. He is the reason why I’m still standing tall. He knows me and continually seeks to know me. I haven’t fully recovered. It’s still hard to trust people. It’s still hard to connect with others and invest time in them. It’s still hard to be vulnerable and honest. But now, Jesus lies at the center of my story. That makes it a little easier to find joy, and fulfillment with each day.
